Asking Eric: Feuding siblings trap mediator sister in the middle

Dear Eric: I have always been close with my only siblings, my twin sister (67) and our brother (72). But sis and bro have had many issues over the past few years and bro chooses to distance himself from her. I feel like I’ve always been the family matriarch and arbitrator.

Bro is now in a seniors’ home with virtually no funds to speak of. His daughter and I arranged the move, a very stressful time for us all. There was little help from my sister. We had amicably and firmly agreed several years ago to share some costs related to our brother. It should be noted that the funds expected are a few hundred dollars a month, not thousands, and my sister can afford it.

She insists our bro is not her responsibility. She says he can be on the street, or he should be the responsibility of his daughter.

Our brother’s daughter cannot afford to help financially. My husband and I are now looking after my brother financially. My sister firmly refuses to assist. Further, she is angry at me when I bring up how disappointed I am that she has done this.

While I appreciate that she is on her own and is careful with her money, she did agree to help financially in some ways. I’m keeping the peace for the family’s sake, and my husband is a true and generous gem, but my sister’s continued lack of help is causing a real rift. Your help is welcome.

Eric says: Your sister may think that she’s working out her conflict with your brother — through revenge, which is not a very effective form of family conflict resolution — but the person she’s hurting is you. It’s not fair.

Being the family arbitrator is a thankless job; the pay is lousy. It’s also a position that many folks should resign from. Ask yourself how much of your conflict with your sister is about sharing the financial strain and how much is about trying to keep a fractured family together.

Your brother and sister have made it clear that they don’t want to be involved with each other, so you may want to work on accepting that the family you want is not the family you have. If you can accept that, you might be freer to nurture separate relationships with them.

It’s important to you that your brother be cared for. Try to reframe it as a choice you are actively making, rather than one you’re forced into by your sister. These circumstances are a result of your sister’s actions, yes, but they’re also a result of your brother’s life circumstances and his choices. Now you and your husband are making the choice to step up for him.

It’s worth bringing up to your sister again that her actions impacted you and that, even if she’s not going to change, she needs to acknowledge that. She can be angry if she wants; that’s not your problem to solve. Is it really keeping the peace in the family if you’re walking around feeling agitated? Better to be able to say, “this isn’t the way I wanted it to go, but for the sake of our relationship, I want to move on.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.