Asking Eric: Grandparent wants to share birth

Dear Eric: My only son is expecting his first child. I have been recently told by him that his wife does not want anyone at the hospital, except for my son.

I am devastated. It was family time in the hospital when my son was born. I cannot comprehend the fact my daughter-in-law will not allow me to be part of this joyful time.

I have no desire to participate in the birth process, only to be able to hold my first grandchild during their stay at the hospital before they go home, and the chaos begins. Any suggestions?

Eric says: This special moment, with its firsts and its unknowns, is naturally stirring up a lot of emotions.That is natural.

Try not to put all of your emotional expectations on this hospital visit. Your daughter-in-law is not specifically excluding you. Notably her parents also are not on the invite list. This is how your son and daughter-in-law have chosen to navigate this transition, which also is exciting and nerve-wracking for them.

Perhaps you and your son’s in-laws can lend a hand to get the house ready for the return. Perhaps you’ll be a welcome antidote to the coming chaos. You will have so many chances to hold your new grandchild. If you can gently release the negative aspect of your expectations, I think you’ll find joyful excitement.

Dear Eric: I asked someone via Messenger if she would like to hang out. The icons on Messenger indicate she has not seen the message. Although that may mean she saw the preview of the message but didn’t read the whole thing.

This person and I are in a large chat group in another messaging app, so I could get in touch with her through that app.

If I contacted her, I might say that I had sent a message through Messenger, but she didn’t appear to have seen it, and if she has seen it, then I’m sorry for this superfluous second message, which she can ignore. Or maybe that’s pushing too much?

She and I also are part of a real-life community, so we are likely to be in the same space as each other occasionally. And I would like to be friends, or — if that possibility has been squandered — not make things untenably awkward. Any advice?

Eric says: For better or worse, we live in a time where our devices beep and boop and notify us of far too many things. The information you’re getting from Facebook is all relatively benign, but it’s prompting you to put together a story in your head. That story is causing you unnecessary worry.

I’m reminded of a quote from a book titled “IRL: Finding Our Real Selves in a Digital World” by Chris Stedman: “Social media is a kind of fun-house mirror of society, in that it warps some things and reveals others, which makes it confusing to navigate but also fertile ground for the work of trying to better understand ourselves and the world around us.”

You write that you share space with this person a few times a month. Try starting over the next time you see her. Strike up a conversation. Ask about shared interests or hobbies. If the conversation is going well, you may choose to say, “I’m not sure if you saw, but I sent you a message about the possibility of hanging out. No pressure: but if it sounds appealing to you, I’m still game.”

Don’t worry about squandered possibilities. Friendships are built on many different points of connection accumulated over time.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.