Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for more than 50 years and we have recently retired. I was looking forward to the free time to do more of the things we had talked about doing together.
But my husband made a bucket list and started doing things he liked or thought he’d like. This includes extreme sports that require a great deal of training time and lessons. Then there are trips to execute them.
Whitewater rafting is an example. I can’t swim, so I can’t join these activities. I’m happy he’s happy, but I’m thinking he’s being a little selfish.
I’ve expressed my concern, but he doesn’t understand why I feel left out. Am I being silly?
Eric says: You’re not being silly. Your husband strapped on a life jacket and took off like the cartoon Road Runner. It’s no wonder you’re feeling left out.
Let’s chalk this up to questionable time management and a zeal for this new phase of life. It’s great that he’s exploring new hobbies, but without a list of shared plans, your emotional bucket is going to feel empty.
Tell him that you don’t begrudge his extreme sports, but you also want to check off some items you can do together. Did you make a list way back when? Pull it out and see what still excites you both. Or make a new list. And then get out the calendar and start to make a plan.
We communicate what’s valuable to us through how we spend our time. Your shared time together is likely also valuable to him, but it’s going to need a little advocacy. Time may feel abundant right now, but calendars fill up fast.