Asking Eric: ‘Kind’ wife bad-mouths hubby

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law is one of the kindest and most giving people I know. She volunteers at her church, YMCA and golf club. She has driven friends several states away for medical treatments.

However, my brother (her husband) of 30-plus years is not a social guy, and this irritates her to no end. She will complain to anyone who’ll listen about him. Recently, she wanted to force (her words) my brother to come over to my house and socialize during my daughter’s charity tournament. I pushed back. My tone, I’m told, got testy.

She holds a grudge for a very long time. I’ve apologized in an email and twice in person. She will not speak with me. I want them both in my life but don’t know how to make things right. I felt I was sticking up for my brother. What can I do?

Eric says: So much compassion for the world, and yet so little for her husband. It’s a real shame. Judging by your brother’s response, he either doesn’t see her complaints as a big deal (another shame), or their relationship has a toxicity that could suggest emotional abuse. This is cause for concern.

Your hurdle is her persistent resentment and anger. And it may be insurmountable. She’s proved that she’s willing to stoke and spread tiny grudges about her husband to anyone who will listen, so this conflict with you likely is more fuel for the fire.

At present, your brother has made it clear that he doesn’t want you standing up for him. What are other ways that you can support? Try to have a one-on-one conversation with him letting him know that you see and understand that boundary, but that you’re concerned.

And, going forward, should you find yourself in conversation with his wife, you should let her know that you have a boundary too: no complaints about your brother.

We’ve assumed these messages were inteneded for someone with a similar email address, but we didn’t know that address, so we couldn’t forward the messages. Recently, my husband received one such mistaken email that included the phone number and home address of this person. Should my husband call and alert this person of the longtime email confusion? Should we send this person a letter explaing the situation without sharing our return address? Or do you think this is this some kind of elaborate scam?

Eric says: This seems very involved for a phishing scam. Because these scams often begin with a message telling the victim that their private information has been compromised, if you were to call this person out of the blue, you might seem like the scammers. A letter seems to be the best course of action. It alerts the person without creating a risk of you being drawn further into the situation.