Asking Eric: Mother’s ‘joke’ is painful

Dear Eric: My brother and his wife just had their first child, and the first grandchild on both sides of the family. I am so excited to be an aunt, and I love the baby. So does my mom, however she keeps saying something that she loves the baby more than her own kids.

I think the first time she was trying to be funny. It still stung, though. And she keeps saying it.

I can’t say anything because when I’ve said anything before I’ve been told by my dad that I am “self-centered and make everything about myself.”

I don’t want to cause any problems, but my brother and I are tired of this, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it.

Eric says: The way your father spoke to you is very harsh. It suggests that there’s a pattern of unkind statements being lobbed in your direction, so this “joke” strikes a deeper wound.

If that’s true, you’ll want to think about the parts of your dynamic with your parents that don’t work for you. You may even want to work on this with a therapist.

Rather than you protesting, it likely will be more effective for your brother to tell your mom, “I don’t like when you talk about my child that way.” But, again, this seems to be rooted in a toxic family dynamic.

There’s enough love to go around. If they can’t express that without belittling you, it’s wise to set a boundary with them about the way they communicate.

Dear Eric: Our son received a seven-figure insurance settlement because of our diligence in getting him the best medical care our insurance would afford and a great lawyer. He is getting remarried at age 41. He expected us to pay for the flights for the happy couple, rent a car for them and “give them a pile of gas cards so they can explore the southwest and California”. Oh, and “we’re invited to the wedding, too”.

We’ve raised his daughter since she was three months old. She’s almost 11 now. He hasn’t provided a penny for her support. (Her mother is frequently out of the picture.)

We told our son we couldn’t afford to pay for the wedding, plane tickets and hundreds of dollars in gas cards. We haven’t heard from him in the six months since. Our granddaughter texted me two weeks ago asking if I’d bring her lunch and dinner because her dad was out of town for the weekend. We hadn’t seen her in five months.

I still work full time, and my 74-year-old husband had to retire due to poor health. We worry about a granddaughter constantly. We worry about our son with a brain injury and temper issues. We are heart sick at the thought of what’s going on with them. Do you have any advice for us?

Eric says: The most pressing issue here is the welfare of your granddaughter. It may be helpful to talk to your family lawyer or social worker about ways that you can help her get the parenting she needs.

That might look like filing a petition for physical custody. You and your husband should discuss whether that is something you can reasonably take on at this point. You’ve done a lot of advocating for your son in the past, which is loving and caring. You don’t have to fill in every gap for him, particularly at the expense of your own health or financial stability.

If he’ll take the call, talk to your son with your concerns. Given what you’ve written about his temper, that may be a difficult conversation. However, being direct with him about what you’re experiencing could prompt him to change or to make use of the resources available to him.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.