Asking Eric: Mourning mom needs new friends

Dear Eric: Within five years of each other, both of my adult children died (one of illness, the other in an accident). The grief is still harsh. But I am getting counseling. And I am finding ways to be of service in my community, especially with underprivileged kids.

My women friends all have adult children who are entering the era of life that my kids were experiencing when they died. It is so difficult to socialize with these women because they talk about their kids and even complain about them. I want to leave these friends behind and focus on my new life. Am I getting it wrong?

Eric says: I think a little distance from these friends would be helpful, especially if you’re building new relationships with friends who can better connect with where you are now.

You and your friends are in different phases of life right now. It’s OK to, with gratitude and love, say this doesn’t work for me anymore. But maybe instead of quitting, take a break. It could end up being permanent, or you could find that time changes everyone involved.

Dear Eric: My brother died at 32. His son was 8. As he got older, we spoke on the phone weekly and texted.

Every year on my brother’s birthday, I put up an RIP on Facebook. At the 20-year mark, I posted a story about us as teenagers: We drank some beers, tore up some corn from a farmer’s field, got caught and had to work on that farm all summer, eventually becoming close with the farmer.

My nephew went ballistic, texting me, “Your FB post has reached millions of people all over the world and now everyone thinks my father was an alcoholic who didn’t respect anyone!” I immediately deleted that story and sent an apology to my nephew. He refused to respond to me. (By the way, I do not have millions of FB followers. I have 85.)

A few weeks later, relatives told me the nephew had quit his job of 10 years, yelling that everyone was against him. I am stunned. We have never argued once until this event. Is there anything I can do to repair this relationship?

Eric says: What you did sounds like an innocent, and rather heart-warming, way to remember your brother. I really don’t think that your nephew’s anger is about you. What you wrote about your nephew’s quitting is concerning; he could be experiencing a mental health crisis.

Ask other relatives to reach out to him. They don’t need to come as emissaries from you — that might rile him up. Instead, they should express their care and ask him how he’s feeling. Mostly, they should listen to him. That will give them, and you, a better sense of what’s going on and ways that you can help, if need be.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.