Asking Eric: New mom needs no apology

Dear Eric: In spite of my best intentions, I have been a poor gift receiver as of late. I had a baby last year, my first, and my family and friends blessed me so deeply as we prepared to receive him. I had not one, not two, but three(!) lovely showers.

I did my best to keep up with thank you notes. I sent out the notes for the first shower within 30 days. The next shower, I sent out thank yous to the hosts and got through most of the guests. Then I had the baby.

For the third shower, given two weeks before I gave birth, I cannot even remember if I sent out a thank you to my lovely hostesses.

It has been nine months now. I am truly ashamed of my tardiness but do still want to send my gratitude. Do you think it is appropriate to send an apology along with my thanks in these notes?

Eric says: Your letter is so filled with gratitude, authenticity and warmth that I can’t imagine getting a thank you note from you and feeling anything but joy, no matter how late it is.

You had a baby! Your life was turned upside down! You don’t have to offer an apology, but I think it would put your mind at ease. So, try this:

“I hope you’ll accept this heartfelt thank you much later than I intended to send it. The whirlwind of life with a new baby was a lot to handle. Please know that the tardiness doesn’t reflect how grateful I am, as I have been thankful every day in my heart.”

Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for 20 years and together for 27. We have four children; the youngest is 11, and the oldest is 19. The last couple of years, we have drifted apart to the point where my wife “checked out” of our marriage and started a relationship/affair/transitional partnership.

When I discovered the affair, I made many attempts to fix or change what was wrong in our relationship. In that time, I learned that the best I could do is learn and grow as an individual, which I’ve done. Nonetheless, we sleep in separate parts of the house and are working with mediators.

That said, we are still friends and still seemingly don’t want this to end (we haven’t even told our kids). The biggest concern is that my wife doesn’t seem to want to pull the trigger on making the commitment to make something happen.

I’m at a loss. It takes two. I don’t want to be over, but I’m also tired of spinning my wheels. My heart doesn’t want to let go, but my brain says it’s time to move on.

Eric says: You’re right — it does take two. There’s a hole in the hull of your relationship and water is pouring in. If she’s not actively working on plugging the hole and bailing the water, she’s resigned herself to letting it sink.

It’s possible you and your wife are more misaligned than you think. Find out what she really wants.

To do this, bring some questions to mediation. “What are our joint and individual plans for repair? Are we committed to taking the necessary steps?” The second question is a yes or no. There is no “not right now.”

This is hard, I know. There’s probably some reluctance to hurt each other by pushing, one way or another. But being stuck where you are is hurting you. Let your wife know this.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.