Asking Eric: Rude guest doesn’t merit an invite

Dear Eric: I frequently have gatherings at my house. Close friends gather, have cocktails and eat snacks. This time, I decided to go for the cozy vibe and have a pajama party. I just invited ladies.

A guy I dearly love asked if he could come. All the women said they would be fine with this because he is a sweetheart and not at all likely to be lecherous and inappropriate with ladies in pjs.

Then, I got a text from another guy friend asking if I was hosting a party that night. I said no. Although I love him like a cousin, he can be a bit creepy. He makes sexual comments out of the blue for no reason.

Now I feel guilty about lying. Am I a terrible person?

Eric says: You are not terrible. You have the right to curate a guest list in any way you see fit. This especially applies to people who make you or your guests uncomfortable with inappropriate behavior. And you didn’t owe your friend the truth if you didn’t feel up to a long conversation about it.

Dear Eric: Our sixth-grade son just received a birthday gift from his great aunt. We told him to send her a thank-you card. He asked, “Can’t I just text her?”

We don’t know what proper etiquette is these days. We can see where the great aunt might like having instant communication with our son and his number so she can communicate with him in the future. We also understand how it may not seem very personable. Please advise.

Eric says: Every time I write about thank-you notes, I open up a tempest in a tea kettle in the responses. Well, call me a sachet of Earl Grey because I’m jumping in again.

He should send a text and a thank-you note. Texting is his age-appropriate preferred form of communication. Sending a quick thanks is expedient and can help him establish a bond with his great aunt.

But it’s valuable for him to learn how to write a thank-you note and when to send one. The text might be a quick appreciation, for instance, and the note can be a physical keepsake in which he tells her what he spent the money on.

As he grows older, he may decide not to send thank-you notes. Still, understanding this skill now will pay dividends in the future.

Dear Eric: We have a couple we get together with periodically for dinner. It’s low key about setting time and place; usually I let them pick. The problem is every time we show up at the agreed upon time (never late), they usually have already ordered appetizers they have mostly eaten and often have ordered their main course.

We always feel odd having to take time to look over the menu and order. I don’t know what to say. It’s awkward. Why do they invite us if they’re going to eat without us? Short of showing up an hour earlier than the designated time, do you have any suggestions?

Eric says: It’s one thing to arrive early and order a soda or cocktail while you wait, maybe an appetizer to share. But they’ve started the whole meal. I’d be perplexed, too.

It’s best to meet the awkwardness head on. The next time you make plans, tell them you’ve noticed they tend to arrive much earlier and start to eat. Ask if there’s a reason for this, and tell them you’d really like to spend the whole meal together. Maybe there’s a good reason for their behavior. By talking it through, you give them the opportunity to explain and adjust. If they don’t do either, maybe it’s best to just meet them for dessert.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.