Asking Eric: Son’s health issues become sore point

Dear Eric: My adult son was a stellar athlete and scholar in our small Midwest high school. But as the years went on, he ended up suffering from chronic pain because of a back injury, which thwarted a career path after college. A year ago, he was diagnosed with long COVID, which he still has. He recently received a mental diagnosis and continues to have challenges.

My question is how to answer friends/acquaintances who ask how he is doing. Most remember him from high school as a leader and know about the long COVID problems but not about his mental challenges. What should I say?

Eric says: Check in with your son and see how he feels about this issue. There’s no right or wrong answer, but the more you say about anyone, the more you risk violating their boundaries.

When folks ask for an update, there’s rarely an expectation of getting the whole story. Telling folks the latest on the struggles they already know about should suffice unless there’s reason to go into greater detail.

That said, when we tell people we trust what’s going on with us, we also give them an opportunity to show up for us in times of need.

Dear Eric: I belong to a large group of women. For many years we went away for a weekend. Everyone was invited. But the group has become larger over the past few years and now the weekend invite involves only those who went the previous year.

I am sad that some folks are not included even though there are openings, and some are excluded because “she drives me crazy.” I have spoken to the person in charge of making the invitations only to be told that she’s in charge. It’s not a good feeling to be left out, and I know I will be losing friends because of this. How do I move forward from this?

Eric says: Is there anything stopping you from organizing your own getaway weekend and inviting those who aren’t invited to the one currently happening? It seems the growth of the group necessitates it.

Am I suggesting a coup? Well, yes, I am. But if the current trip organizer is purposefully excluding folks who are eligible to go, there’s something wrong at the top.

Dear Eric: I have a friend that I get together with for social outings every couple of months. The last three times we made plans, without asking if this was OK with me, she announced right before the event that another person would be joining us. I find this to be inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful. Not that I would say no, but I think my friend should ask me if this is acceptable before she asks another person to join us. Your thoughts?

Eric says: I wouldn’t go so far as to call it disrespectful, but it’s a little socially awkward. Tell your friend that it’s a lot more fun if you know in advance that someone is going to be joining you. It’s a reasonable ask.

Dear Eric: I’ve been working remotely for years, and I need to brush up on my office etiquette. At my last place, when you needed to use the restroom you could refer to “hitting the can,” but some might consider that a bit uncouth. What’s the best way of sharing this information?

Eric says: You could simply say, “Excuse me a moment” or “I’ll be right back.” Best to just be simple and direct.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.