Asking Eric: Tax-break wedding doesn’t add up

Dear Eric: My mom and her partner have been together for 20 years. This winter, my mom informed me that, on the advice of their financial adviser, they’re getting married this year.

I have zero issues about the man she’s marrying, but knowing the reason is based on a financial “nudge” for tax bracket purposes, insurance and trusts, instead of a desire to be together for the rest of their lives, I’m having a very hard time getting psyched for the wedding.

It feels disingenuous to have a celebration given the reasoning for the occasion. Any advice on how to find some joy in this event?

Eric says: Think of it as an anniversary party. We’ve all gone to weddings of young people whose unions didn’t end up lasting 20 years. Why punish your mom and her partner for proving the concept before cutting the cake?

I’m a romantic from the Nora Ephron school, but the fact is that marriage is a legal and financial institution that carries with it a plethora of benefits, from tax breaks to hospital visitation rights to protections around property and inheritance.

Remind yourself that their standard deductions don’t impact you, but the last two decades of their commitment has. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on this chance to celebrate that they did something extraordinary: They found someone and loved them for a very long time.

Dear Eric: I recently had to file a restraining order on my ex-husband because he assaulted me when I was picking up our 3-year-old daughter from his house.

She still sees him every other weekend. I want her to be able to make up her own mind about him one day, and I don’t want my opinions to sway her thoughts. How do I continue to nurture her relationship with him when I truly don’t think he’s a good person?

Eric says: The best way to care for the relationship right now might be revisiting the terms of your custody agreement. This is not a safe shared custody agreement, and the blame lies with him. You don’t have to clean up his mess.

Thank you for protecting yourself with the restraining order. Please keep seeking help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has a searchable database that will direct you to local legal resources.

Until your ex gets the help he needs, and begins to make amends to you and your daughter, any relationship he’s building with her will be unhealthy.

As time goes on, your opinion of him may not change. It won’t be appropriate to vent to your daughter, but your experiences are real and your feelings are valid. You can tell her the truth.

Dear Eric: I work at a small, fantastic community-based organization. It’s been one of my favorite jobs, except for a few of my colleagues who seem to complain endlessly about the smallest things.

Their behavior has led to other members of the staff feeling judged. We’ve even had people leave over it.

I am sick of it. This is a great place to work, and it’d be even greater if we supported each other rather than devolving into cliques and endless rant sessions. Do you have any suggestions on how to put a stop to endless (and at times toxic) complaining?

Eric says: Some people just like to complain. Try talking to your coworkers one-on-one. See if you can get to the bottom of what their core issues are. Maybe they’re complaining because they don’t feel empowered to make changes.

Or maybe they’re toxic jerks.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.