Asking Eric: This love story stinks

Dear Eric: I love my boyfriend, but I see my attraction dwindling because of his hygiene. We’re in our early 30s, and he’s a healthy and clean person. But he doesn’t seem to care about things that seem baseline to me. For instance, he says he sends his laundry out, but often it has a very strong smell of mildew.

I’ve avoided saying anything because he’s an adult (and I’m very sensitive to smells in general). But this is driving me away from him. How do I politely bring this up?

Eric says: This may not be a comfortable conversation, but clear communication can draw you closer. What’s more, it’s quite possible that his odor issues are partially caused by a medical condition or his diet, in addition his hygiene.

You can couch some of your conversation in a concern that he’s getting bad service from the laundry service. “Do you notice the smell from the laundry? I don’t think they’re treating your clothes right.”

But you also will need to be direct and kind about his smell. You could say, “Honey, I love you a lot, and I know that body odor is a normal and natural thing, but sometimes the smell is a little hard for me to be around. Would you consider trying some new products?”

Dear Eric: A friend recently announced that her husband had asked for a divorce. He moved her and their children across the country for a new job, only to reveal he was leaving her for a long-term mistress in that same town.

I want to be there for her in this awful time, but our dynamic has been so off that I am struggling to sympathize with her.

Over the past several years, our long-term friend group has opened up to each other about challenges in all of our marriages — infidelity, COVID lockdown, aging parents, moves, etc. She always maintained a smug stance with condescending undertones.

To find out now that she was having serious problems in her own marriage for years and that she never once opened up while we were all being vulnerable, it just leaves me with an ick.

She owes no one any details about her personal life, and I’m not asking, but this is a very inauthentic friendship and I’m uncomfortable participating in it as is. What is my role here?

Eric says: Charitably, you can read her past condescension and creative relationship with the truth as a symptom of her insecurity. Depending on how condescending and creative she was, that may be a lot of charity.

But trading condescension for condescension isn’t going to make you feel any better. Sympathizing with her may not be possible, but you still can express kindness on a human level. You can engage with her less, while still affirming that you’re there for her, should she need something.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.