Asking Eric: Was aunt’s clothing a message?

Dear Eric: We recently hosted the wedding of our daughter. The reception was described as “cocktails, dinner, and dancing,” and children were not included.

The dress was “Festive Cocktail Attire,” which was communicated via a save-the-date notice sent nine months before the wedding. The dress code also was mentioned in the material that accompanied the invitation, sent two months before the wedding.

It was a fabulous event, with one weird exception: My husband’s older sister, a woman of 76 years, arrived looking like she had just taken a walk on the beach, in white jeans, very casual sandals, and the sort of untucked shirt you might throw on to go grocery shopping.

Her husband followed our dress code, as did her daughter. This older sister was the topic of much speculation. Several of our daughters’ friends who had, of course, dressed up, asked if she had done it on purpose, as did a couple of my friends.

What do you think?

Eric says: I think your sister-in-law was dressing comfortably because “Festival Cocktail Attire” actually doesn’t mean anything anymore. Technically, it’s supposed to be a mix of cocktail and semi-formal with a little flair added to it, but even that is vague enough to be of little use.

I cannot tell you how many events I go to where the dress code is “Festive Cocktail Attire,” and people show up wearing whatever they want. There are too many words in the description. We’ve lost the plot.

I suspect that your sister-in-law lives a very different kind of life than you do So, for her, perhaps white jeans and a casual shirt was appropriate. It’s unlikely that she was doing this to send a message to you. Unless that message is “This is who I am; congratulations on your special day.”

Dear Eric: A friend of many years recently asked me for about $30,000 he needed to pay off old debts, which he claimed he had. I doubt that. He does not work and owns a few rental properties.

I responded that I couldn’t give him that kind of money and suggested he go to his bank and ask for a loan. He wouldn’t hear of it, lectured me that friends are not only for the good times but also for times in need and then abruptly ended our friendship.

What should I say to this person? Should I have given him money in order to keep the friendship?

Eric says: I’m afraid that if your friend is willing to sever your ties over this, there may not be much to salvage here.

Perhaps the stress of his financial situation is clouding his judgment. You can reach out to him to express your hurt over the way things ended and ask him to help you understand his point of view. But that doesn’t mean that you have to give him the money.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.