Asking Eric: Youngster obsessed with video games

Dear Eric: We live on a lake and love hosting our great-nieces and nephews on school breaks and the entire family on vacations. My husband and I have no children. Our niece’s families are dear to us.

Our 11-year-old great-nephew has been gaming now for about a year. When he comes to visit, instead of reading or playing board games with us, like in the past, he disappears with his video games.

How do we navigate this with his parents who think his being on a video gaming team at school is awesome? What is a fair place of compromise and balance?

Eric says: Let his parents parent their child.

Every generation has anxieties about the ways that technology is changing social interactions or altering the minds of the younger generations. It wasn’t that long ago that elders were fussing over the kids of the ’60s rotting their brains by watching TV cartoons. Now it’s those former kids fussing over the interests of the modern youngsters.

In moderation, video games have been shown to improve a child’s cognitive function and working memory. While your great-nephew’s gaming might not be your choice, it’s important that you not seek to undermine the research and thinking that his parents have done about it.

What you’re really yearning for is a sense of togetherness as a family, so try talking to your niece and her spouse about group activities in which you can meet your great-nephew where he is. And don’t be afraid to pick up a controller and ask him to show you the ropes.

She enjoys it. I hate it. However, if I were to say something, it would force her to make the choice of being herself, doing something she likes doing, or appeasing me so I can order the way I want. The answer will not change my life. She can easily change, and I can easily suffer. The question is who gets to be themselves?

Eric says: I worked in the service industry for more than a decade. I loved knowing what people wanted, but I would always ask and confirm. That’s part of the job. She may think you’re a regular who likes to be known in this way. So, informing her that that’s not the case won’t be keeping her from being herself. It will be helping her to do her job better.

You may not have the kind of temperament that easily or comfortably course-corrects in social situations. That’s fine. But know you won’t be causing her suffering by saying something like, “I’ve already decided on my meal. Let’s skip the guessing today, and I’ll just tell you.”

This also clears the path for the two of you to talk about something else, if you want. Ideally, it’s a conversation that you’ll both enjoy.

Dear Eric: The recent letter from a man whose wife buys gifts for their adult kids, causing him to wonder if he’s also getting credit for them, struck close to home for me. My husband does that too, and although I’ve never asked him, I assume the kids know that gifts are from both of us.

Eric says: Thanks for your thoughtful note and your openness. Please also reconsider talking to your husband about the ways you interact with your kids. It could be really healing and productive.