C.J.: If you dare, up close & personal with KFAN's rabid Carl Gerbschmidt

Who is Carl Gerbschmidt?

The alleged Wisconsin resident is the subject of today's Q&A, and I don't know the answer, although I have my suspicions.

Gerbschmidt is the dweebish, perhaps intoxicated, perpetually agitated Packers fan with the distinctive voice who is a regular on KFAN's Dan Barreiro's show. Gerbschmidt's appearances are hysterical because he is unreasonable, often unintelligible and always obviously out of his mind. And he enjoys calling others "sicky."

I told Barreiro I wanted to interview Gerbschmidt the Sunday that the Packers came to play the Vikings. Via e-mail, I sent my questions to Barreiro, who assured me he would deliver them to Carl.

Gerby — and I'm surprised to learned that the woman in his life doesn't use that pet name — is high-octane passion while using a lot less fuel on the details.

"I just completed a interview by DJ from the Mpls newspaper. I'm not sure she asked the right questions. Look for it somewhere," Twitter's @TheRealCarlG posted.

DJ?

Close enough.

After Gerbschmidt scooped me by blabbing about our interview, others on Twitter had comments.

@pizzainyourface: "Maybe you didn't give the right answers. You flip out on her like you do on KFAN?"

@TheMudYeti: "Dying to read what [C.J.] and @TheRealCarlG talked about!!! @DanBarreiroKFAN"

@WrongWayStocker: "You sure it was a real DJ, Carl? Sure it wasn't a random bar drunk using a beef jerky as a fake microphone?"

Gerbschmidt was only marginally more clever with the insults here.

Q: Describe yourself. I want to know what you look like.

A: I look like most people. I am growing a cool beard for No Shave November. I have been described as having bedroom eyes, but I don't even know what the heck that means.

Q: What do you do for a living?

A: I am a supervisor for the Wisconsin Department of Transportation, and that's pretty important. I have a staff. We work tirelessly for the people of northwest Wisconsin to make sure they can get around the state safely, especially during seasons when Road Blow [the nontechnical term for roads that overheat in the summer and become hazards] goes nuts. Plus, I am a large shareholder in the Green Bay Packers football team.

Q: How much is in your 401(k)?

A: That sounds kind of personal. How much do YOU have? I also have other investments which I won't tell you about. I do own Packers stock.

Q: At what age did you learn to spell Gerbschmidt?

A: I don't remember the exact day, but I do know I was spelling it correctly before I took the standardized tests in grade school. But they generally only had 10 spaces for the name so I was forced to leave the D out.

Q: Have you ever sought therapy for your speech impediment?

A: What speech impediment?

Q: What is the real story behind Dan Devine's dog?

A: I think the story is murkier than people think. How do we know the dog wasn't involved in something shady, like drugs or international espionage? It's just a shame that a guy who was such a bad coach had a dog get shot before he was smart enough to leave town.

Q: Who is/was your favorite Vikings player, not named Brett Favre?

A: Right now, nobody. In history, maybe Gilbert Brown. Brett Favre is not in the top 10 unless he shapes up.

Q: What Biblical passage tweeted by Favre moved you most?

A: I am unaware that you can quote the Bible on Twitter without paying for it. Didn't he twitter pictures of his area? I think after he left the Packers he really had a serious moral decline, but who can blame him?

Q: Do you believe Favre will ever send another naughty picture of himself, allegedly?

A: Not if he ever wants to get into the Packer Ring of Honor, and I believe that for real, not allegedly.

Q: I have been to a game at Lambeau Field. I thought the setting was perfect. Do you think football stadiums need to be any more lavish than Lambeau is?

A: Lambeau is perfect. Unless they want to do another upgrade, then it will be better. And unless the Packers are playing home games in it, it's not a real football stadium.

Q: Have you ever participated in that Lambeau Field ritual where Packer fans moon the Vikings on the team bus?

A: Allegedly moon the team bus. Who says they do? The players? Do they have pictures? If so, why? If not, shut your dirty mouths.

Q: Is your grouchiness related to a problem Cialis might soothe?

A: I don't use drugs — and after I looked what that drug does, I ask again if you're a sicky.

Q: When you die will you be buried in a Packers casket?

A: I think I will be cremated and then have the urn put on display in the Wisconsin Interactive Ice Bowl Exhibit (which will reopen soon after we complete repairs on it).

Q: What is the most elegant personal quality?

A: The ability to draft a quality starter in the 6th round, which is why Mr. Ted Thompson is the most elegant GM of all.

Q: What's the most romantic date on which you've ever taken your wife (or girlfriend)?

A: We made out once in a dark corner of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, near the Ray Nitschke bust. That was pretty hot.

Q: Would you under any circumstances ever pull for the Vikings?

A: Sure, if they were playing the Bears. The Vikings are not our rival. The Bears are our rival. The Bears have won a Super Bowl. I think you know how many Super Bowls the Vikings have won. Ha ha.

Q: What is your definition of an unreasonable fan?

A: Usually in Minnesota when we come to a game, some loudmouth fan will pop off and I have to really restrain myself. Some of those ladies are real obnoxious.

Q: By what pet name does your wife (or girlfriend) call you?

A: Mr. Beef, but I don't think you should print that in your sicky paper. She has also called me "Mr. NFL Team Owner," but I don't want to get into that.

Q: Are there any nude photos of you in the cloud?

A: What kind of newspaper are you running? SickyTimes?

Q: I'm familiar with your favorite whine, but what cheese do you love most?

A: You spelled wine wrong. Unless you're trying to be smart. I am a generous person so I will answer your question. Cheez Whiz. Or Merkt's.

Q: What is the most alluring aspect of Dan Barreiro's personality?

A: I am not allured to Dan Barreiro at all. He is a loudmouth troublemaker who might be even a bigger sicky than you are. Why do all you newspaper people stick together? Is there some journalism class where they teach sicky questions to ask? The newspapers here in Wisconsin are not full of sicky questions and naked pictures of sports talk hosts.

Q: How much money have you won betting on the Packers?

A: Look, I was told that I would be interviewed about the amazing Wisconsin Interactive Ice Bowl Exhibit here in Elk Mound, Wis., and the big reopening that we have coming up. We are one of Central Wisconsin's leading tourist exhibits without a liquor license, and we are seeking National Historical Society status or something like that. It's $5 for Packer fans, $10 for Viking fans and Bears fans can negotiate. If this isn't what this interview is about, I guess I will have to buy advertising, but I don't want it next to the sicky section in your paper.

Q: What will the score be in the Packers-Vikings game?

A: 58-0 or something like that.

Interviews are edited. To contact C.J. try cj@startribune.com and to see her watch Fox 9's "Buzz."