Clearance Clarence: Outstate bars and sports radio wars

I hate to be such a downer, so let's talk about hot teachers and sex and violence and cheeseburgers and beer: *Country and Western Song of the Week, Back to School Edition: Other than Merle Haggard's seminal hit Rufus the One-Eyed Janitor (is a Smooth Talkin' Man), they just don't write many country and western songs about inappropriate hankering for school employees. Because of this, today's Country and Western Song of the Week is actually the rock anthem Hot For Teacher. BONUS TRACK: Panama.Both songs are off of Van Halen's magnum opus, 1984. Both songs are awesome. Both songs are about wanting to do the ol' hibbity jibbity. Turn it up some. * The Education of Ray Lewis, a One-Act Play: Scene – Baltimore Ravens' linebacker Ray Lewis busts through head coach John Harbaugh's office door holding the Minnesota Vikings' media guide. Ray Lewis: It says here the Vikings have a guy named "Mistrial Raymond". Is that some sort of nickname? Are they making fun of me? That murder case was plea-bargained, John. I won't be made a fool. John Harbaugh: I don't… Ray Lewis: John, I will grab that pencil-neck Ponder by the ankles and hammer-toss him into the bleachers. John Harbaugh: His name is Mistral. He's a real person. He's pretty good. Ray Lewis: Oh. Fin. * Outstate Bar of the Week: Newt's North, Rochester, Minn. What is the bar famous for? Newt's Bar, located in downtown Rochester, is dark and old and glorious. Popcorn litters the floor. Their beer selections are wonderful. Their jukebox selections are wonderful.They have the best burger in Rochester. These points are indisputable. The problem, for me, has always been their location. If you're visiting the Mayo Clinic, Newt's is very convenient. But if you're just passing through Rochester and you want to stop for lunch, the relative age and convalescence of the drivers circling the Mayo Clinic can be maddening, especially when you're hungry. MOVE YOUR BUICK ALREADY. Fortunately, Newt's has now opened a second location, just off of Highway 52. It's not as dark and dingy as the original Newt's, but give it time. The beer selection and food are just as terrific. It's a lot more kid-friendly, and everything on their kid menu is $4.25. My kids might be the foremost chicken finger cognoscenti of southern Minnesota. Newt's chicken fingers are handmade and fresh, and they come in a basket the size of your head. My kids swear that they are the best around. Can I watch the game there? Absolutely. They have about a dozen large flat-screens scattered throughout the bar. Can I watch the NASCAR race there? I suppose. Do they have a website? Yep. What bar games are available? None, really. It's more of a friendly neighborhood joint than a scruffy bar. Bring the family. * Radio Review: This morning marked the inauguration of the Judd & Phunn Show on 1500 ESPN. The show mercifully replaces the unlistenable Colin Cowherd in the weekday 9-to-noon slot. As you likely know, Judd Zulgad is the former Vikings beat reporter for the Star Tribune and Joe "Mr. Phunn" Anderson is a longtime local sports radio veteran. I like both of these guys and look forward to seeing how they compete with Paul Allen over at KFAN. I was unable to listen this morning, so if you did listen and can provide an honest assessment it would be appreciated. Your thoughts on Van Halen (NOT Van Hagar), the Vikings' roster, burgers, beer, chicken fingers, and/or The Phudd Show are welcome in the comments below.