Crowning a king — at the U of M

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So, the U has its new king, just like the United Kingdom. The U.K. has a king with "sausage fingers"; the U has a king of SPAM. It's all true, Google it.

But this is where the similarities end. Charles III underwent a 74-year training program, whereas Jeff I — former Hormel CEO Jeff Ettinger, that is — has to wing it.

In order to be better prepared for a succession next time, why doesn't the U do it like the Brits? Let's start a presidential dynasty at the U. Who needs the Windsors when you can have the Ettingers? One heir and a record number of three spares are already available. It's unlikely that all of them would pull a Prince Harry on the SPAM dynasty.

Here is one crucial advantage that would come with a hereditary presidency. We would no longer need "kingmakers," aka a Board of Regents, with their secretive and Byzantine decisionmaking. This would free up valuable meeting time and, above all, an entire floor in the McNamara Alumni Center.

Since history has shown that a lack of qualifications doesn't stand in the way of presidential appointments, why not go fully feudal and keep it all in the family? University presidents have no trouble collecting kingly salaries and bonuses while students groan under the yoke of crushing tuition fees. Why should presidents have trouble turning the whole thing into a monarchy?

That universities in continental Europe operate as classless republics, where presidents come from within the faculty and are democratically elected, seems suspicious, inspired by communism and utterly un-American.

With a veritable king at the helm, homecoming or convocation events would take on a whole new feel. How about knightly games on Northrop Plaza? Or, if you prefer ancient over medieval, gladiator contests in Huntington Bank Stadium?

What would be the role of faculty in this brave new old-fashioned world? Well, I am guessing faculty governance would continue in the SPAM kingdom in its usual, inconsequential form. I am sure there would be listening sessions where the king and his court would lend their ears to petitions and then happily ignore them.

But being reduced to professorial court jesters has its advantages for faculty: It comes with the privilege to talk and mock freely without being punished.

Henning Schroeder is a professor in the University of Minnesota's Department of German, Nordic, Slavic & Dutch (schro601@umn.edu/@HenningSchroed1).