L.A. gaffes & laughs

LOS ANGELES

Some tourists come to Hollywood to collect autographs. Me? I'm a sucker for juicy quotes. A few scribbles on a napkin may impress your friends and neighbors for a month, but a one-liner or irreverent anecdote lasts a lifetime. Here are a few favorites that I tucked away during my January journey to la-la land:

Portia De Rossi, wife of Ellen DeGeneres, on her new role in ABC's "Better Off Ted": "Veronica is my favorite character I've ever played, bar none. I'm really attracted to strong women -- let me rephrase that."

Kaley Cuoco, on playing a waitress in CBS' "Big Bang Theory": "I went into the Cheesecake Factory a couple of times, and I always forget that my character works there. And I'm always, like, 'Why is everyone looking at me?' They always give me funny looks, but it's very cute."

Scott Foley, star of NBC's "The Last Templar," on working with Omar Sharif: "He was on the set standing up and signing autographs with the local crew. When it looked like he was done, I went over and introduced myself. He said, 'Damn it,' and took my hand and put it on his crotch. He said, 'I got a hernia. They keep making me stand up.' My wife was visiting at the time, and she said, 'Did you ... was that ... what happened?' And I said, 'I think I just touched Omar Sharif in a place that a lot of people wish they could touch Omar Sharif.'"

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow on how she'll operate now that she doesn't have George W. Bush to kick around anymore: "I don't think we are at risk of idiocy going out of fashion in Washington. So wherever there are bad ideas, I will find ways to make fun of them."

Amy Poehler, star of a new untitled NBC sitcom, on the fact her husband, Will Arnett, has dual citizenship in Canada and the United States: "Sometimes he likes to take his passports and throw them on the bed and pretend he's Jason Bourne and he doesn't know which passport to use. He pretends to pack a bag really furiously and rifles through his two passports. Worst 'Bourne' movie ever."

CBS late-night host Craig Ferguson on the relationship between depression and comedy: "I think if you're happy, it would probably be impossible to do comedy at all. I got married recently and I thought, 'Well, that's the end of it. Now I'm happy so I won't be funny.' And that made me so unhappy that we actually did a couple of good shows that week. My psychiatrist -- yes, I have a psychiatrist -- says that I have reserves of unhappiness equal to Saudi Arabia's reserves of oil."

Tracey Ullman, feature performer in Showtime's "State of the Union," on how she selects her characters: "I'm not Rich Little. That's not what I want to do. I didn't want to be Sarah Palin, which I think Tina Fey just absolutely nailed and it was the most genius thing. I wanted to be that lesbian that Sarah Palin kept talking about, who she said was her best friend, and she's known her for years. I'd rather find out where she is, you know? Where is she, Juneau?"

Paula Abdul on her personal attempts to be an "American Idol": "I've made a fool out of myself so many times, it's ridiculous. I liken myself to the kids that wait in line to get noticed, because I didn't have an agent. I had my friend take my head shots, and I was the one that would go in with the loudest clothing to get noticed because I was the short one. And they'd say, 'Can you fire-baton twirl and sword-swallow? Can you do gymnastics?' And I'd say yes to everything, and then I'd end up landing on my head. I mean, when I was a little girl, I said, "Mom, if I don't get on the 'Gong Show,' I'm going to kill myself."

Ozzy Osbourne on the hype behind his new Fox variety show: "Why didn't everybody adore me when I was pissed drunk all the time?"

Mitchell Hurwitz, creator of "Arrested Development" on the latest developments of a big-screen version of the cult favorite: "We want to do it. We have a deal more or less in place from Fox Searchlight, and we're kind of getting all the actors on board. We have a story, which is basically 'Valkyrie' meets 'Hotel for Dogs.'"

"Rescue Me" co-creator Denis Leary on his losing streak: "This is how much of a magnet for not winning I am. I lost the Golden Globe for 'Recount' early on Sunday, which was nice, because then I could smoke. They come to me and say, 'You've got to go back now for the Best Actor thing.' And I'm like, 'I'm not nominated' and they go, 'No, no, no. Kevin Spacey can't be here. He's doing a play in London. You've got to accept his award, you know, if he wins.' So what happens? Kevin loses. I'm losing awards for other people."

Isabella Rossellini on why she created "Green Porno," a Sundance documentary series on the sex lives of animals: "I proposed the idea of making films about animals, because that was my interest, but I knew sex was everybody's interest, so I'm making short films about the sex life of different animals, and some are quite scandalous. They make love in funny ways. Some of them are hermaphrodites; they change sex during their lifetime, things that if we would do it as human beings, we would be arrested -- but they do it naturally."

Amy Sedaris, narrator of PBS' "Make 'Em Laugh," on the roots of great comics: "Ugly kids usually become funny. Or fat people. You find out someone is funny and you're like, 'Oh, that's why you're funny. You used to be fat.'"

njustin@startribune.com 612-673-7431