Ex-etiquette: Grandkids are uncomfortable with new boyfriend

Q: I have been widowed for almost four years and have been in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man named Max. I have grandchildren, ages 4 and 6. I think the younger one is jealous. She says mean things to him when I'm not looking, and last week she hit him on the arm. I sometimes have the kids stay overnight at my house, and they usually sleep with me. Now Max has started to sleep over. How do I handle this when my grandkids are here?

A: I will tell you the same thing I would tell the kids' parents if they asked the same question: Don't have someone spend the night unless you are confident the relationship has a future and you have properly prepared the children for the transition.

You might want to have Max sleep at his own place when the grandkids are around. If the relationship progresses and you are confident that he will be in your life, that's when you announce your intent to be together to your family — including the grandkids.

Until that point, consider weaning the grandkids from your bed. Grandparents' actions have a huge impact, and you are probably correct in speculating that there are jealousy issues to be addressed.

The child's perception is, "Grandma is making me sleep in my own bed because she likes this other person more than me." The child immediately equates the change, which they don't like, with the addition of the new partner. Your grandchild probably feels as if she has been replaced by Max.

So, what do you do? Same things I suggest to parents when integrating new partners. Lots of fun day trips, maybe some one-on-one time, lots of extended time together so the grandkids begin to see Max as part of the family. When it's time to sleep, even when he's not visiting, make sure the grandkids have a bed of their own. Then they won't feel kicked out of Grandma's life in order to make room for him. That's good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.