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On Tuesday morning, I sat down at my desk to fill out a couple of online questionnaires that would determine whether I harbor negative feelings about fat people and obesity in general.
Would these tests reflect my belief that fat people are subjected to many forms of irrational discrimination? That they are routinely mistreated, disrespected and misdiagnosed by medical professionals? Humiliated on airplanes and in other public places? Regularly subjected to casual cruelty and unbidden advice?
Or would they catch me out, and reveal that I am one of those people who fervently does not want to be fat, who is always hoping to lose a few pounds? That I am endlessly intrigued by stories about "magic" weight loss drugs such as Ozempic and its rebranded version, Wegovy, first developed to help lower the blood sugar of people with diabetes and then discovered, as a side effect, to cause weight loss? The drug has become so widespread in Hollywood that Jimmy Kimmel even joked about it during his Oscars monologue in March: "Everybody looks so great. When I look around this room, I can't help but wonder, 'Is Ozempic right for me?' "
We live in a contradictory culture that increasingly tells us to value and appreciate people of all sizes, while valorizing thinness in innumerable, harmful ways. And so, like many women, I have a dysfunctional relationship with my weight. I've gained and lost the same 20 pounds countless times. I'm happy when I'm thin, and I'm sad — even slightly depressed on some level — when I'm not. I remain appalled that I pin my self-worth on my appearance.
So, about those questionnaires:
I first sampled Project Implicit, a nonprofit collaborative of researchers whose mission is to educate the public about bias "and to provide a 'virtual laboratory' for collecting data online." It measured my reaction time as I assigned good and bad qualities to fat and thin people. The conclusion: I exhibited a "moderate preference for thin people."