In the opening scene of "Annie," the camera zeroes in on a little girl in redheaded curls, enthusiastically reciting a report to her classmates on the death of President William Henry Harrison, punctuated with a totally inappropriate tap dance.
Her fellow students moan. She's followed by another Annie, a street-savvy scrapper who wins over the room with a desktop-banging chant on, of all things, FDR's New Deal.
New Deal indeed.
It's an early sign that this "Annie," whose producers include Will Smith and Jay Z, is determined to give the 37-year-old musical a few noogies.
There are references to Howard Stern, George Clooney, Batman and Katy Perry. Sandy the dog is named after the infamous hurricane. Annie rockets to fame through Twitter and selfies. Evil foster mom Agatha Hannigan (Cameron Diaz) tries to drink away her bitterness after being booted from C&C Music Factory just before an appearance on "The Arsenio Hall Show." The Daddy Warbucks character, who goes by the name Will Stacks this time around and is played by Jamie Foxx, makes his millions selling cheap cellphones and is running for mayor of New York City.
But in director Will Gluck's effort to be hip, he forgot to hire a cast that can actually sing and dance.
There's no denying that as Annie, "Beasts of the Southern Wild" breakout star Quvenzhané Wallis has abundant charm and a heart-melting smile. But Auto-Tune and rapid-fire editing can't mask the fact that she's not a strong singer or dancer.
The rest of the cast doesn't fare much better. Foxx — who can sing — is saddled with some new songs that should never, ever be released on a soundtrack. Diaz slaughters her solos like Mario Batali in a butcher shop.