Getting help from family members when you’re the main caregiver

Nicole Beauchamp was the sole caregiver for her older parents despite having two siblings. Beauchamp took care of her mom who had Parkinson’s disease and later cancer, and her dad who got cancer a few years after her mother died.

One of her sisters lived out of state and the other lived nearby in New York. “I can literally count on one hand with fingers left over the number of perfunctory visits or times help was tendered,” she says.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 58% of caregivers in the United States are women, and 37% are caring for a parent or parent-in-law. Nearly 10% provide care to someone with dementia.

“It’s not uncommon that caregiving duties often fall to one sibling,” Beauchamp says.

Beauchamp is self-employed. “There’s a misconception that if you’re self employed, you have a lot of time on your hands,” she says. “There’s a lot of juggling involved.”

Beauchamp applied for power of attorney to manage her parents’ finances. She took them to medical appointments and remained close for support when side effects of the drugs kicked in.

Her income took a hit because she wasn’t working as much as before she became the primary caregiver. Eventually, she hired an aide after her mom’s cancer diagnosis. “She actually agreed to have someone come a couple of times a week because she felt she couldn’t do everything and she didn’t want me to do everything,” she says.

Jimmy Hertilien, a roofing contractor in New Jersey who cared for his aging father, sees families struggle when a loved one needs daily caregiving. “From helping my own parents, the most important thing is communicating openly and dividing responsibilities fairly among family,” he says.

“When my father had heart surgery,” he says, “my siblings and I made a schedule to help my mother with chores and errands while he recovered. I handled outdoor tasks like mowing or repairs, my brother did laundry and groceries, and my sister cooked meals. Sharing the load prevented burnout for any one person.”

”Not all families can collaborate,” he continues. “If your requests for help are refused, you must be firm that caregiving is too much for one person. Seek counseling or mediation and explain how the stress is affecting you and your loved one’s well-being. As a last resort, hire temporary help from an aide or nursing service. Your own health and ability to provide proper care should be the priority. No one can handle such a difficult situation alone. Reach out to local support groups, nonprofits or a therapist for guidance on starting these difficult conversations.”

Beauchamp reached out to a few caregiver groups when she was caring for her dad. “It was helpful because the people in these groups understood what I was going through,” she says. “These groups offered support and lessened the isolation.”

Having a friend who knows what it’s like caring for a family member made life easier for Nancy Treaster, who was caring for her husband, father and father-in-law. Treaster’s husband has frontotemporal dementia, also known as aphasia, the same type of dementia as Bruce Willis. Her father-in-law has Alzheimer’s and her late father had Parkinson’s.

Now a retired software industry veteran living in Georgia, Treaster had to cut down from working full time to part time in order to manage her caregiving duties. Her son helps care for his dad. “He lives about an hour away and is here most weekends helping,” she says.

Her mom was the primary caregiver for her dad while her mother-in-law is the primary caregiver for her father-in-law. Still, Treaster also often assists her mother-in-law, and her sister also helps with their dad. A brother-in-law helped occasionally with her father-in-law.

While family members pitched in, having a close friend who knew exactly what she was going through helped.

She and friend, Sue Ryan, lamented about the lack of practical advice on caregiving for people living with dementia. “We formed a podcast called the Caregiver’s Journey to help other dementia caregivers,” Treaster explains. “Our podcast is tip-oriented. Each [episode] is about 30 minutes. We talk about challenges and how to handle them.”

Treaster also took caregiving courses and became a certified caregiving advocate and certified caregiving consultant. She says it’s quite common that one family member assumes the role of primary caregiver, and that often not every family member pitches in. They discuss that, too.

For the primary caregiver who wants other family members to help, experts say the first step is to ask directly. “Don’t start with a guilt trip,” says Anton Shcherbakov, a licensed therapist and founder of ClearStep Therapy. “Don’t express how much you have done in the past that the other person didn’t help you with. This is likely to put the other person on the defensive. Instead, explain how you are feeling and ask for what you need. For example, say, ‘I’m feeling really burned out and tired this week. Do you think you can help out with mom this weekend?’”

If your sibling or other family member refuses, Shcherbakov says there isn’t much you can do. “You can ask nicely and if they refuse, that’s on them,” he says. “However, just because someone refuses once doesn’t mean that you can’t ask again. You may also ask if there are other ways that they can help. Maybe they can pitch in money for an in-home aide, a grocery delivery or something else. Don’t assume that a ‘no’ to one request is a ‘no’ to all requests.”

Another option is to divide caregiving duties. “In a perfect world, we would divide the chores equally,” Shcherbakov says. “In the real world things get messy. Start by assessing each person’s availability, willingness, resources and strengths. For example, one person may not mind doing laundry. Continue to have conversations about the division of chores, and try to find one that works for all parties. Open communication is the best way to keep things moving smoothly.”

It’s also important to know not everyone can emotionally handle seeing a close family member in decline. “Everyone has a different perspective,” says Michelle Feng, a geropsychologist and chief clinical officer at Executive Mental Health. “It’s important to recognize that not everyone will approach caregiving the same way. One family member may be more hands-on, while another might seem avoidant. But sometimes avoidance isn’t a lack of care; it’s rooted in deeper emotions like guilt or feeling overwhelmed.”

“Understanding these different perspectives can help ease the frustration that often arises when tasks don’t feel evenly shared,” she explains. “It’s not always that family members don’t care — it’s that their emotions may be driving their behavior.”