I got up Sunday morning before the rest of the house.
Guilt Floats
The balloon just appears out of nowhere, looking for me. It haunts me and follows me. It whispers in my ear. "You failed. You are a bad mother."
By k krhin
December 3, 2009 at 3:43PM
I tip-toed around in the dark on my way to read the paper and have some coffee. I made my way down the stairs and almost jumped 3 feet straight up in the air.
There was a figure in the living room.
My mind raced.
A head?
Was that a gun?
The figure seemed to float - a ghost?
I flicked on a light.
Oh.
It's the balloon.
Again.
I bought a big pink cupcake mylar balloon for Vivian's 2nd birthday a few weeks ago.
Lately it's been losing helium and meandering around the house silently floating from room to room. It just appears out of nowhere, looking for me. It haunts me and follows me. It whispers in my ear. "You failed. You are a bad mother." A constant reminder of what feels like my biggest parenting mistake thus far. I've made many mistakes. I'll make plenty more. But this mistake went right to the core of my guilt-ridden motherly being. You see, for Vivian's birthday I only brought home one balloon for her birthday dinner. I was in a hurry at the grocery store and grabbed an impulse balloon as I dashed to the checkout line. When I entered the door with a single balloon big brother Ben cried and crumpled to the floor. "Where's my balloon? " I have never seen such big, fat, sorrowful tears roll down his cheeks. His bubble had burst and I deflated. What was I thinking? I obviously wasn't. Why didn't I pick up a balloon for her almost 4 year old brother too? He cried and cried and I held and held him. "I'm so sorry Ben. I really wasn't trying to make you feel bad." Rule #1 in parenting young siblings. Equality. Same amount of beverage in sippy cup. Same amount of Cheerios in cereal bowl. And a BALLOON FOR EACH CHILD. Don't get me wrong. He understands the concept of birthdays and that someone else is opening presents, not him. But preschool age is just not a time to say "Hey, tough luck. Life ain't fair kid." When his crying subsided he sniffled, "Mama? When it's my birthday, please buy Vivian a balloon too." Ooof! A one- two punch to my heart. "Oh Ben, I promise, I will." "But, it's okay to make mine bigger."
