The Aquatennial, previously known as the Ten Best Days of Summer, will shed six days. "This decision will allow us to refresh the Aquatennial experience," says the Downtown Council's Facebook page, "and open the door for new and exciting opportunities." People getting divorced tell themselves that, too.
Here's why they whacked six days off the Aquatennial
May 30, 2015 at 9:43PM
Why? Simple. A class-action lawsuit by the days in June and August accused the Aquatennial of gross misrepresentation, citing long-term weather charts that show several of the "best" days often have gusting rain and thunderstorms, leading to power outages. "People light candles when the power goes out," said a lawyer for June 16, "and that often leads to tragic fires. The Aquatennial may think it has the best days, but tell that to someone standing on the curb staring at the ruins of their house."
A compromise allowed the Aquatennial to claim four days. The other six days will be reapportioned to the other months, which are expected to sell them to the Vikings, or cut them up into hourlong segments for busy people.
The opening ceremony will also mark the closing of the event; the Torchlight Parade and the fireworks will happen together. The fireworks will be scaled back to five bottle rockets, but if you record them on your phone and replay them over and over while holding the screen up to your face, the effect should be spectacular.
The Milk-Carton race will be scaled back to one guy walking into Lake Calhoun up to his knees with a small container of 2% and making motorboat noises. Kidding! It's canceled. Also out: the Sandcastle contest. Take careful note, Winter Carnival: Now you know how to refresh your event and open the door for opportunities. Never build another Ice Castle, and just have the Vulcans phone people at random and say, "Now imagine there's a soot smudge on your forehead."
Preview of Aquatennial in 2024: The Mayor comes out of City Hall and drinks a glass of water. It's the Ten Best Minutes of Summer! Counting the time it takes to get from her office to the street.
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