In defense of the ‘bro hug’ marriage

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Have you ever seen something on the internet that just won’t leave you alone?

No, I’m not talking about that pair of Nike Dunks or that perfectly fitting gray hoodie made of organic “cloud-like” cotton. Or the molded plastic, aesthetically appealing fridge organizer that promises to make back-to-school a breeze!

I’m talking about something even more insidious: the political “gotcha” post. It happened to me last week when Donald Trump Jr. reposted a short video grab from the rally where Gov. Tim Walz was announced as the running mate for Kamala Harris. The four-second clip shows the moment when Walz’s wife, Gwen, joins him on stage along with Doug Emhoff, the second gentleman, and Harris herself.

In the video, Gwen steps confidently onto the stage. She and Tim look at each other directly in the eyes. He extends his hand to hers. She reaches her other arm around to pat him on the back. He pulls her in for a hug. You can’t tell what they’re saying to each other, aloud or in the silent language of a couple who’s been married for more than 30 years, but it seems like some version of: “You did it!” from Gwen.

Tim bows his head, burying it into her shoulder. He stays there for a brief second, that cozy place with your loved one where you know you’re safe. Then he pulls away, steps back. He pats her hand. The crowd pulsates with electric energy. They’re a long way now from that first high school in Nebraska where they met as public school teachers, from that first date that included a movie, followed by Hardee’s. In that moment, though, maybe for just a second, they were together back in that place where they first met.

Here is Don Jr.’s commentary, watching that same brief interaction:

“Totally normal to greet your wife with a firm handshake and a bro hug/back slap. Tim Walz isn’t weird at all, guys.” That was followed by three sideways laugh-crying emojis.

Maybe now is an appropriate time to mention that I met my now-husband, Ben, on the pickup basketball court at the rec center at the University of Missouri. In those early days, our first touch was a lingering high-five, curling our fingertips together at the end, while we waited in line at the drinking fountain to try and figure out who had “next.” My kids tell me that handshake is called a “dap,” and I’ve since learned it originated with African American soldiers during the Vietnam War.

I tell you this to try and explain why Don Jr.’s post stuck with me for so long, why it seemed to take everything I’d valued about marriage and relationships and love itself and rub it all over with filthy-smelling trash, trying to make something lovely into something somehow disgusting or abhorrent.

Don Jr., and by no means is he alone in this, is trying to make Tim and Gwen Walz seem “weird” because they don’t abide by the strict traditional gender roles currently embraced by the MAGA-fied and Christian nationalist-infused Republican Party of his father. In the conservative Christian circles I grew up alongside, and have spent the past several years writing about, traditional and strict gender roles are central to the maintenance of power held by a shrinking number of (mostly) white, straight conservative Christian men. Remember former Vice President Mike Pence’s adherence to the “Billy Graham rule”? That’s just one example of the policing of these norms: Pence would never eat alone with a woman other than his wife. Sure made it difficult for him to work alongside powerful women, or promote them on his staff to positions requiring trust and confidentiality.

Once Donald Trump’s celebrity and objectification of women was added to the mix (remember, he was found liable for sexual abuse by a jury), the right-wing strictness about women’s roles became even more pronounced. Ever notice how almost every woman on Fox News wears long, curled hair extensions and short skirts with high heels? How they seem to be valued as much for their appearance and desirability as for their competency?

Which brings me back to Don Jr.’s reaction to Tim and Gwen Walz meeting onstage with a handshake and a hug, looking into one another’s eyes. I think Don Jr. was so bothered by this exchange because it messed with his preconceived sense of what relationships should be like between men and women. In this worldview, which I’ve researched extensively for my forthcoming book on the radicalization of American boyhood and the perpetuation of violence among young, white men and boys: Men are hunters and women are prey. A man should approach his wife only and always as an object of desire. He should view her as a sexual object and approach her accordingly. He should primarily think about her in terms of his sexual attraction to her and how she satisfies his physical needs.

That’s why Don Jr. found Tim and Gwen’s embrace to be so “weird.” He just hasn’t been exposed to or taught to support a view of relationships between men and women premised on mutual respect, admiration, equality and friendship. I don’t find that just to be “weird,” I find it to be deeply sad, especially as a mom of two white Christian boys.

What so many in America are finding so refreshing about our Minnesota governor is that, while he’s a military veteran and a former football coach and knows his way around the hardware store, he also isn’t afraid to cede the stage to powerful women. That’s true not only in his deftness at playing assistant coach to head presidential nominee Harris; it’s also true in his 30-year marriage to his former fellow teacher. In their embrace, and in what I’ve read in reporting about their relationship and heard from people who’ve known them in this state, I see what I’ve seen in so many longtime married couples. I see companionship, trust, honesty, friendship, respect.

In my work as a pastor, I spend a lot of time visiting elderly people, some of them married couples who have been together more than 50 years. Sometimes, one partner is a caregiver to another who has chronic disease, physical disabilities or dementia. These marriages are no longer about sexual attraction or physical satisfaction. Traditional gender roles don’t matter anymore when one partner becomes disabled, physically or mentally. Instead, people do what they need to do for one another. They rely on trust, mutual respect, honesty and a deep well of abiding love.

Plastic surgery, Botox, fillers, Ozempic, Photoshop aside: Appearances change over the years. Attraction is no less real after 13 years of marriage and almost 20 years together, in my personal case. But the relationship can’t just be about that: about pursuer and pursued, about shallow, superficial infatuation and the thrill of the chase. Instead, what endures most is a gentle handshake, pulled into a dap and then a bro hug.

A husband who is strong enough to bury his head in his strong wife’s shoulder. A wife who stands beside, not behind. Not weird. Lasting. Relatable. Recognizable. Hopeful.