Is your ex a narcissist? Probably not.

Q. My co-parent is a lost cause. They are a narcissist. They think they are perfect, always right, and try to manipulate me and the kids to get their way. They act like they care, but they obviously don’t. They can’t be a good influence. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me their co-parent is a narcissist. It seems to be the current buzzword to explain an ex’s manipulative, grandiose, conceited behavior. Your ex probably feels the same way about you.

Just about everyone’s ex is difficult at the time of the breakup. Because you find a former partner unpredictable, angry, manipulative and only seeing their point of view is not enough to pin a narcissistic diagnosis on them.

The good news is that when the breakup dust settles, both of you may calm down and settle into a cohesive co-parenting partnership. Co-parenting counseling will help.

If your children’s other parent is truly a narcissist, you may have to adopt what is called parallel parenting. This is where each parent has their own parenting approach and responsibilities when their children are with them. The children have two homes and two existences. The parents are not required to consult each other when decisions are made.

Although parallel parenting is adopted to prevent the children from witnessing ongoing conflict, they still know what’s going on, and it weighs heavily on their shoulders. I have never worked with a child who likes this parenting approach. It actually perpetuates the children’s trauma associated with the split. The children often end up feeling as if they have to pick a side.

Ultimately, what is best for your children is to put your own issues aside and come together in their name. Until that becomes a possibility, it’s all in the approach:

Be clear about your parenting expectations. Limit communication to only what is necessary. Avoid emotional arguments. Never badmouth your co-parent. No matter how frustrated you are. It won’t help you, and it will hurt your children.

Be the bigger person for your kids. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.