Justin: It’s time for a new Minnesota state song

Now that we have a new state flag, it’s time to turn to music.

The state song, “Hail! Minnesota,” written in 1904 by two University of Minnesota students, was an early version of NyQuil.

To be fair, most state anthems are snoozers. The only one that comes close to being hip is Allen Toussaint’s “Southern Nights,” which was adopted as Louisiana’s cultural song in 2021. New Jersey almost greenlit Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” until some politician realized that the Boss was actually encouraging Wendy to get as far away from Newark as possible.

Minnesotans ready for a change might be tempted to turn to our two most celebrated pop stars. But neither ever penned an appropriate love letter to their native land. Bob Dylan’s “Girl From the North Country” could just as easily be about a lass from North Dakota. Prince probably spent more time picking out an outfit than he did cooking up the lyrics to “Uptown.”

There are stronger candidates. Minneapolis native Ann Reed has recorded lots of clever folk songs that cover everything from the State Fair to Betty Crocker. Atmosphere’s “Say Shh” also would be an interesting choice. If we really want to make a statement, there’s Tom Waits’ “Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis.”

But I’m leaning toward a 25-year-old comedian who goes by the name of Lefty Crumpet.

During a recent comedy showcase at St. Paul’s Gambit Brewing Co., he charmed the crowd of roughly 100 people with a routine about his misadventures on eHarmony and novelty numbers about therapy and Door Dash.

Then he closed with his killer.

“Minnesota,” which borrows the melody of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” is full of more state references than a Coen brothers movie and gags wittier than anything you’ll find in an Ole & Lena joke book.

“I heard it’s cold, but I needed proof,” he sang while strumming a guitar and sporting a mop of hair that suggests he shares a stylist with his musical idol, “Weird Al” Yankovic. “When I saw the snow cave in the roof, like a twister-stricken shack in Oklahoma.”

One minute into the performance, almost the entire audience was joining in on the chorus with several people waving their lit-up cellphones in the air.

“And look here, friends at what I found,” he continued. “Folks as white as the winter ground, with coats as thick as those of buffalo-uh.”

By the end, spectators where cheering like Taylor Swift had just nailed the national anthem.

After Crumpet’s set, co-headliner Rudy Pavich bounded to the microphone and improvised a filthier version of the song, one that mercilessly went after Wisconsinites.

After the show, Pavich was still bowled over.

“It’s really hard to come on stage after something like that,” said Pavich, a comic with enough years under his belt to justify an upcoming move to Las Vegas, where he’ll be a regular at clubs overseen by Jimmy Kimmel and Brad Garrett. “The lyrics are really clever.”

Crumpet, whose real name is Justin Johnson, wrote the song about six years ago, shortly after leaving California to study psychology at the University of Minnesota.

“I wanted to go to college somewhere that was new to me,” said Johnson, who works as a wine delivery driver. “I thought it was very welcoming. I really loved the people, really liked the weather. I may be one of the only people in the state who actually likes the cold.”

One gets the sense that Johnson might be a little tired of performing the song; sometimes he leaves it off the set list. But business partner Jesse Ellis almost always coaxes him into doing it.

“It hits every time,” said Ellis who, along with Johnson, runs Freshly Squeezed Comedy, booking, producing and hosting shows throughout the Upper Midwest. “He reminds me of a young Adam Sandler. He’s found a way to cram all these references and quirks into this classic catchy song that you can’t get out of your head.”

As Johnson has become more and more acquainted with his adopted state, he’s made some adjustments to the lyrics. In earlier versions, he assumed Minnesotans talked a lot like Canadians. When he realized he had goofed, he changed a reference to “hoser” to “uff da.”

The tune is now strong enough — and clean enough — to be featured at sporting events and school assemblies. One snag from making it our official state song: getting clearance from the estate of Cohen, who died in 2016.

I’m sure the Legislature could clear a lot of the red tape. Encourage your local state representative or senator to check out one of Crumpet’s upcoming performances — at Gambit Brewing on Oct. 1, Waite Park’s Back Shed Brewing on Oct. 26 or Hopkins’ LTD Brewing Co. on Nov. 2.

But don’t pass along the schedule to politicians who are tuned to “Hail! Minnesota.” Wait until they’re done napping.