The list of new State Fair foods came out this week, and there are two reasons I don't want to talk about them. Well, three.
Gripes #1 and #2: Lamb Testicles.
This is not a euphemism for some other food. That is what they are. Poor lambs. You wonder why someone looked at those things and thought "now there's a snack waiting to happen," but I suppose you could say the same thing about eggs. If you're wondering if they call them something else, like "Orbs d'baa," or "Deep Fried Sheep Portions," the answer is yes: Lamb Fries.
Ohhhh, no you don't. This contravenes our common assumptions about fries. Fries come from potatoes, not dangly bits that may resemble them. Even "steak fries" are potatoes. This is why people who sell Veggie Fries are compelled to add "veggie," as a warning: NOT ACTUAL FRIES, BUT A CRUEL SIMULACRUM. If we extend the term "fries" to include disconnected lamb bits, we lose our trust in the word. "Would you like fries with that?" can never be the same, because you have to ask, "You don't mean testicles, do you? Because there's been some recent confusion on that issue."
Every year we get something exotic like this; one year it was alligator, then ostrich. Some day, lamprey. Armadillo. This will end with horse, which was what people suspected was in the hamburgers 110 years ago. It will sound delicious, too: "We use only the finest dead horses, hand-trimmed, dry-aged, rubbed with a special blend of herbs and spices to cover up the horrible, horrible horse taste, then placed on a seeded non-gluten roll of imported cardboard and served with cedar chips." Secretariat on a skewer! Nobbin on a dowel! No.
Here's a suggestion. If you're going to sell lamb testicles at the State Fair, don't tell anyone. Call them mystery eggs, wool fruit, anything. After the Fair's over, that's when you take out an ad and say "Oh, by the way, that stuff you loved? It was this."
There are other new food items, of course -- camel burgers sound interesting. Hump meat or rump meat? We'll find out. Bacon ice cream sounds delicious as well, and the best part is that the melted stuff at the bottom of the bowl doubles as gel for the defibrillator pads. The Minnesota Wine Bistro will offer Wine Smoothies, which will be a welcome break from all those chunky, chewy wines we have to put up with.
It's a world of bounty and delightful innovation. And there will still be people who walk past all the new offerings to sit in the air-conditioned church diner with some coffee and pie like they did in 1967, and that's just fine, thank you. There's room for all.