Lileks: When all the roads are finally finished

I haven't been on 35W since the construction near downtown Minneapolis began. I'd rather take "surface streets" — so named because they are streets on the surface of the planet — than get bollixed up in a jam or have a mechanical difficulty on a section without a shoulder. No shoulder, you have to stop on the torso, as it is called.

But now the work is coming to a close, and you know what that means. The Minnesota Department of Transportation is prepping for the metro's next major freeway upgrade: I-494 through Eden Prairie, Bloomington and Richfield. It will last 47 years and cost eleventy trillion dollars, or something.

There are always three stages to the way we react to these events:

1. "This is the worst road in the Metro, I hate it beyond reason and measure, and I despise everyone else on it."

2. "I cannot believe they're going to rip it up and make things more miserable for a longer period than most Popes are in office."

3. (After it's done) One day of mild gratitude, followed by lifelong amnesia.

Repeat until 2121, when MnDOT will make the following announcement via holographic projection on your tabletop information system:

"There is a pedestrian corridor with a motorized walkway operating at 50 miles per hour — seriously, people, watch your step when you come to an end — as well as a dedicated lane that consists entirely of trapeze swings, for those who want to get some exercise on the way to work.

"There are, of course, freeway bike lanes that use massive fans to propel the bikes equipped with sails at speeds up to 70 miles per hour.

"A software upgrade to all self-driving cars will mandate the zipper merge, which Minnesotans have long rejected because they know some guy, probably from New Jersey, won't get in line like a normal person but will head to the front and cut in like a cheat. But now the cars will automatically merge.

"As we look back on our challenges, we are reminded of the things we never thought possible, such as fixing the spot where 35W and 94 intersect. Thanks to scientists' discovery of parallel dimensions, cars now merge by temporarily occupying different universes. This still creates a problem, because the other universe is one year ahead of ours, and people keep getting pulled over for expired tabs, but until we iron out that glitch, just slap a 'Forever' stamp on your plate.

"To sum it up, we have the finest road system in the nation. Now I'd like to introduce Liam Anderson, who's 100 and was born in a car on Highway 169 when traffic had come to stop while his parents were trying to get to the hospital. He'll cut the ribbon. Mr. Anderson?

"What do you mean, he's stuck in traffic?"