Before FC Cincinnati came to town, Minnesota United was middling team hanging onto a playoff spot while trying to grow sod during the middle of an MLS season.
Today, Minnesota United is a record-setting team on the rise whose Allianz Field turf would be the envy of Augusta National.
Minneapolis meteorologists warning citizens to avoid strenuous physical activity needn't have worried about the Loons on Saturday. FC Cincinnati was like an ice water IV.
United began an important stretch of games Saturday at Allianz Field. The Loons began the day 6-7-3 and even the ESPN announcers were speculating about the job security of coach Adrian Heath.
Temperatures rose to near triple digits, and after a slow start Cincinnati dominated play for an early portion of the first half.
Then FC Cincinnati remembered that it is the worst team in MLS. The Loons surged to a 7-1 victory, setting records for goals in a half (four in the first) and for a game, and for the largest margin of victory in franchise history.
FC Cincinnati isn't a football club. It's a care package. It's a therapy session. The Loons put eight shots on goal. Seven went in. Many NBA players struggle to hit that percentage on free throws.
Most goals scored at high levels of soccer are the result of intricate teamwork, brilliant individual skill or lucky bounces. The Loons needed to choose only occasionally from those three menus on Saturday against the Big Dread Machine.