Mark Craig's NFL picks

The Vikings are a first-place team and the only one not to allow a touchdown. The Patriots are a last-place team that had four first downs while being shut out in the second half. Yeah, the NFL is back. And we have the lack-of-success rate on last week's picks to prove it. Since that's not going so well, we'll put together some backup picks for this week:

NE -3 at MIN

Patriots 24, Vikings 20

Cordarrelle Patterson will wear No. 84 but won't quit, tell Zygi to fire the coach or interview himself after the game.

DET +2½ at CAR

Panthers by 3

The Lions won't go 2-0 for the first time since Corporal George Washington was their quarterback in 1767.

Dolphins by 3

Terry Pegula will arrive late, realizing that as an NFL owner it's sometimes difficult to walk with so many people kissing your, um, feet.

DAL +3½ at TEN

Titans by 7

At halftime, Jerry Jones will trade the rights to Adrian Peterson for Harrison Smith and Anthony Barr.

Cardinals by 3

Wondering why his key card suddenly won't work, Roger Goodell will have to wait until someone leaves league headquarters before he can enter.

NO -6½ at CLE

Saints by 10

Brees drops by the set as the LeBron pregame show continues.

Bengals by 3

Tom Brady will see this game and realize Bill Belichick was wrong when he said no one has receivers taller than Wes Welker's little brother.

STL +5½ at TB

Bucs by 10

St. Louis will build the Rams a stadium, but only if they agree to leave.

Seahawks by 7

Without much to do on his side, Richard Sherman will play in flip flops while holding a beer.

TEX -3 at OAK

Raiders by 1

Winner plays Ohio State in the Motor City Bowl.

Packers by 10

Using a compass to locate San Diego, Aaron Rodgers will continue throwing away from Sherman.

KC +12½ at DEN

Broncos by 10

Peyton Manning will play only the second half in flip flops while holding a beer.

49ers by 3

Mike Singletary will throw out the first player.

PHI +3 at IND

Colts by 6

Jim Irsay will ask Goodell, "So, are we still doing that whole, 'Don't tarnish The Shield' thing?"

Jaguars 24, Redskins 23

Dan Snyder vows to become the only human alive not to issue an apology for something he said, did or thought he might say, do or think.

Record

Last week/overall: 6-9/ 6-9. Versus spread