Mom's grudge is a waste of time, energy

Q: My second husband, Miguel, and I are divorced, and I am getting married again. Although we never had kids together, he is the only father figure my son from my first marriage has known, and he also is good friends with my fiancé. My son and my fiancé both would like Miguel to attend the wedding. I'm OK with it, but my mother will never forgive him for cheating on me, and she has threatened to make a scene if he attends. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: As the bride, the final guest list is up to you, especially if your son and fiancé are asking to invite this man, who continues to act as a father figure to your son.

Your mother saw your hurt as you navigated through the pain of your divorce. Because she has not forgiven the pain he caused you, she is holding a grudge in your name.

Noble response, Mom, but that energy could be put to better use.

Good ex-etiquette Rule 6 is, "Don't hold grudges." They don't make us feel better, heal our hurt or affect the other person. It's a private anger only we feel.

It may help if you can tactfully and lovingly point out to your mother that it could be detrimental to your son if she interferes in his relationship with your ex. Your mom may not take the relationship as seriously as it is and not understand the importance of them remaining close.

Just because this man is not your son's biological father doesn't mean your son doesn't feel like he is. You've even said Miguel is the only father your son has ever known.

It sounds like your mom is a very supportive parent. She must find a way to be a very supportive grandparent, as well. As kindly as possible, remind her that what you need right now is her acknowledgment of your effort to make a go of it, not a public reprimand of an ex from whom you have moved on.

That's good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.