New Lions coach promises players will 'bite a kneecap' and other such things

I mean, on one hand you just have to tip your cap to anyone not only willing to be the head coach of the Detroit Lions but also put THE DUDE on your office name plate.

On the other hand, I cannot ignore the bizarre nature of Dan Campbell's introductory news conference Thursday. The only way to really do it justice is to break down the most amazing 29-second clip item by item as he takes us on a journey of perceived NFL toughness and a 1970s football mentality brought to life in 2021.

Let's go blow-by-blow, with my own commentary:

Campbell: So this team is going to be built on ... we're going to kick you in the teeth.

Yikes. Definitely a penalty if the ref sees it. Probably a disqualification. But I mean striking first, albeit illegally, is a certain kind of strategy.

Campbell: And when you punch us back, we're going to smile at you.

This is like a scene from a karate movie or some such thing. But that's good restraint. Don't retaliate. Roll with it. Let the other team lose 15 yards and a player.

Some of us call this "Tubthumping" and it's good to know that Campbell comes from the Chumbawamba coaching tree. Resiliency is important in a team.

Campbell: And on the way up, we're going to bite a kneecap off.

Boy, I really don't remember that from the song. Pretty sure that's going to be another 15 yards and another ejection. Plus a long delay to clean up the field. Gross.

Campbell: Alright, and we're gonna stand up. And then it's gonna take two more shots to knock us down.

OK, they're getting knocked down again, but it's going to be more of a challenge? Weren't they all square? This is getting confusing.

No. No. Not the other kneecap. We just finished cleaning everything up. Also, I'm not sure what side of the ball we're talking about here but I'm getting worried about player depth and field position with all these likely ejections and personal fouls.

Campbell: And we're gonna get up, and it's gonna take three shots to get us down.

It's getting harder and harder to knock the Lions down. But they're still ... getting knocked down in the end? That's the messaging? We will fight harder as we push toward impending doom?

Campbell: And when we do, we're gonna take another hunk out of you.

Both kneecaps are already completely gone. Not sure where to bite now, but probably some unspecified area of the leg? Please let this end soon.

I mean, yeah, if you've removed both your opponents' kneecaps you do improve your odds of being the last one standing.