Surgeon general's warning : Clitrumpidodious (technical name), more commonly known as Electoralyte Imbalance, has been officially categorized as an epidemic. Every state in the country reports active cases with the outbreak expected to peak on Nov. 7. Symptoms include queasy stomach, headaches and acute ringing in the ears. Doctors warn that you can differentiate between Electoralyte Imbalance and the flu by the additional symptoms of a pain in the neck. Severe cases also include uncontrollable nasal drainage and acute amnesia. The outbreak is expected to be most severe in Florida, Ohio, North Carolina and Colorado.
If you are exhibiting signs of Electoralyte Imbalance, experts suggest the following, a strict five-point regimen.
1) With the first symptoms, eliminate all cyber from your diet. Replace it with a steady diet of trees. You cannot overdose on trees, so find a patch of woods, start walking and exhale often.
2) Avoid all locker rooms. Electoralyte Imbalance has been linked to locker rooms, and experts believe they may be the genesis of the outbreak. Evidence shows that men's locker rooms may hold more contagions than women's, but the CDC cautions against making assumptions.
3) Read poetry. Especially read "Eating Alone" by Li-Young Lee, "Invisible Strings" by Jim Moore and "Optimism" by Jane Hirshfield.
4) Greet your least-favorite person in a friendly way. Ask him about the weekend or inquire about his dying mother. Compliment his shoes. Look him in the eye. Smile. You will jump-start the healing process. Tell him you admire his children and that he is so hardworking.
5) Go to a playground. Sit on a bench and watch children playing together. There will be laughter.
Symptoms of Electoralyte Imbalance are serious and cannot be ignored. The only true cure is to vote on Nov. 8 and know you've had your say. If you avoid voting, your condition will become chronic and may lead to intense pain for the next four years.