Souhan: In spring training, honesty is often rarest policy

If Mark Twain was a 21st century sportswriter, he'd say there are lies, damned lies and spring training stories.

As I head to Florida for my 20th spring training, here are the story lines, quotes, notions and phrases I've learned to avoid:

• "If we can stay healthy..."

Baseball teams don't stay "healthy," not with 25-man rosters navigating 162-game seasons. If a team begs for good health, what it is really saying is, "We don't have enough good players."

• "John Doe looks to be in great shape ..."

It's not a story if a professional athlete arrives in good shape. It's only a story if he doesn't.

Anyway, body fat is not a good indicator of success. Baseball is not a swimsuit competition. For every hyper-fit player who succeeds, there are two who wind up on the disabled list because of their exotic workouts.

It's only a story if someone doesn't report.

• "John Doe showed up for workouts earlier than he had to ..."

Many of these guys have homes in Florida. Many get bored during the winter.

If they show up early, they might be dedicated, or they might be looking for drinking buddies.

• "John Doe, signed in free agency, will provide veteran leadership ..."

• "John Doe will be missed in the clubhouse ..."

This is more true for writers than players. We miss Torii Hunter's wit and we'll miss Michael Cuddyer's friendliness, but big-league clubhouses are way stations for an ever-changing cast of characters. Most current Twins either didn't know Hunter, or didn't know him well.

• "John Doe looks sharp after playing winter ball ..."

Rarely does playing in Latin America translate to big-league success. Usually, Americans in Latin America get sick, or lack good workout facilities, or don't eat right, or struggle, and whatever edge they gain at the beginning of spring training is usually gone by late March.

The best use of winter I ever witnessed was third baseman Corey Koskie going to the University of Minnesota every day to take ground balls from then-coach Ron Gardenhire. Koskie improved dramatically.

This is one of the worst spring lies. Organizations have a prospective Opening Day roster the day they arrive at spring training, and it's usually altered only by injuries. Some kid getting a dozen hits in the late innings against other Class AAA players is not going to change an organization's pecking order.

• "John Doe's 8.56 ERA could cost him a spot in the rotation ..."

Not true. If a veteran pitcher has a bad spring, it means nothing, as long as he's healthy. One of the dumbest things I ever wrote was that Carlos Silva shouldn't make the team because he had a lousy spring in 2007.

His spring performance meant nothing. He went north with the team and pitched about how you would have expected him to pitch if you had ignored his spring statistics.

• "The Opening Day roster is important ..."

• "We have to work harder on our fundamentals ..."

The Twins worked as hard on fundamentals last spring as they ever did, then displayed the range and solidity of croquet wickets. If you want to improve your team's fielding, sign guys who are good fielders.

• "It's important to get off to a good start ..."

It's not. The 1991 Twins, a last-place team the season before, lost nine of their first 11 games and won the World Series.

• "I love spring training ..."

Spring training is a feast for the senses. It's great for Vitamin-D- deficient Northerners. In terms of baseball, it's seven weeks of forearm tanning and calisthenics.