Tarantula, assault charges fly in Hennepin County Board race

A tarantula and assault charges were flying in the Hennepin County Board race this weekend.

Political hopeful Marisa Simonetti spent the weekend in jail and emerged, twirling and triumphant, with a pledge to stay in the race for county commissioner in District 6.

Before we get into why she allegedly threw a spider at the woman renting her Airbnb, let’s look at the how. Her tenant apparently captured the entire bonkers incident on video. Here, we have Simonetti dumping a hapless spider on the stairs.

Here, we hear Simonetti banging on pots and pans and whooping it up while the woman on the receiving end of a tarantula tearfully tells the 911 operator that she’s afraid.

And here, Simonetti brags that she just bought a tarantula for the sole purpose of deploying it as nightmare fuel.

Minnesota might have been tempted to think we hit political rock bottom when a state senator allegedly broke into her stepmother’s house, dressed all in black like an incompetent ninja. Marisa Simonetti to the exhausted voters of Minnesota: Hold my tarantula.

As KARE 11′s Lou Raguse posted each video of the incident, Simonetti responded with giggly emojis and then began reposting the video on her own social media.

By midmorning Tuesday, Simonetti — who once claimed she was tired of hearing that Minnesota is “an embarrassment” — had rebranded as the “tarantula tosser” and was trying to raise money off her newfound notoriety.

Simonetti is running for county commissioner as “the only conservative candidate in this race” on a platform of “rebuilding safety through family values.” Like too many politicians these days, she is under the impression that she can only appeal to her base by being as unappealing as possible.

But never mind her. Let’s focus on what’s really important here: that poor tarantula.

Spiders are friends, not ballistic missiles. If you find yourself in a dispute, use your words, not your spiders.

Tarantulas are fragile little creatures. You could hurt one by tossing it down the stairs.

If Minnesota can agree on nothing else, let’s agree on this: Marissa Simonetti should stay at least 8 feet (get it?) away from the nearest tarantula. And at least 800 light years away from any position of public trust.

Her uninspired campaign motto is “Do more with less.”

Let’s start with less tarantula tossing.