Everyone's vibrating with anticipation for Monday's game, and not just because it's the start of the season, the spring, of life itself -- it's the official kick-off of our gorgeous Target Field. But there's more: This stadium is the greenest in the nation. The winning streaks may not be sustainable, but the ballpark is.
The new stadium is green as a farm team
April 11, 2010 at 12:25AM
This is a big change. Previously, players used bats made from endangered woods, trash was heaped into rat-infested piles before being sprinkled with mercury and burned in an open bonfire, and they smeared radium on the field for night games. Now we're green as green can be. Here are a few changes:
•Players will no longer be traded, but set out on the boulevard on alternate Thursdays for recycling.
•Everything flushed away in the bathrooms is now described as "post-consumer material."
•All light in daytime is supplied by a giant celestial solar source.
•Rainwater collected in giant cisterns, diluted with spring water, is diluted again, and sold as "American beer."
•Hot dogs contain at least 14 percent "organic," meaning it was alive, once; this includes such ingredients as "minced hooves" and "pureed snouts." Up to 40 percent will be made of mashed-up spiced grocery bags made from recycled paper. (Just kidding! They're all beef, and delicious. Two, please, with pesticide-free relish.)
•All the stone was locally grown and hand-harvested.
•When Yankee fans start throwing batteries at our players, they will be required to use rechargeable ones.
•Natural grass is kept dandelion-free not with chemicals, but chain gangs equipped with tiny scissors.
•All trash will be compacted into solid cubes that will be used to build the Vikings stadium.
•Sid Hartman will be brought to games on zero-emission human-powered rickshaws.
•Homer Hankies are now "virtual" to conserve resources; it will be enough to wave your hand as if you have a hanky. They will be added by computer for home viewers to enjoy.
Sounds cool, eh? But if you get the sudden desire to go, and you imagine a little light bulb over your head to signify an idea, remember, imagine a compact fluorescent.
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • more daily at startribune.com/blogs/lileks
Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson, the brash speedster who shattered stolen base records and redefined baseball's leadoff position, has died. He was 65.
