Everyone's vibrating with anticipation for Monday's game, and not just because it's the start of the season, the spring, of life itself -- it's the official kick-off of our gorgeous Target Field. But there's more: This stadium is the greenest in the nation. The winning streaks may not be sustainable, but the ballpark is.
This is a big change. Previously, players used bats made from endangered woods, trash was heaped into rat-infested piles before being sprinkled with mercury and burned in an open bonfire, and they smeared radium on the field for night games. Now we're green as green can be. Here are a few changes:
•Players will no longer be traded, but set out on the boulevard on alternate Thursdays for recycling.
•Everything flushed away in the bathrooms is now described as "post-consumer material."
•All light in daytime is supplied by a giant celestial solar source.
•Rainwater collected in giant cisterns, diluted with spring water, is diluted again, and sold as "American beer."
•Hot dogs contain at least 14 percent "organic," meaning it was alive, once; this includes such ingredients as "minced hooves" and "pureed snouts." Up to 40 percent will be made of mashed-up spiced grocery bags made from recycled paper. (Just kidding! They're all beef, and delicious. Two, please, with pesticide-free relish.)
•All the stone was locally grown and hand-harvested.
