Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans: The State of the Union is … winning! We are winning so much, we are winning everywhere. And where we're not winning, we're suing.
So we're here tonight to talk about all of the amazing things the Trump administration has accomplished in only one year in office. I mean, when you think about what we've done in so short a time, it makes your head spin. The historians are already saying I'm the greatest president of all time. Well, one historian. I think he was a historian. The point is, we've made America great again!
By the way, on the drive over, I get a call from my accountant. He tells me my net worth has gone up another $1.7 billion since I took office. Like I need it, right? So Trump is not only making America great again, he's making himself richer. Go figure.
Let's start with the domestic side. We've had so many great achievements in the domestic arena, so many great victories. I mean, I always knew I'd be good at the domestic, but even I didn't think I'd be this good.
Now, I know what the media are saying — the media are so lame, such a bunch of losers — they keep harping on how none of the things I promised in the campaign has even gotten out of committee. Listen, that's called negotiation and I invented it, OK? Read "The Art of the Deal" — preferably in hardcover. And when I say "read it," I do mean buy it; the library's for dummies. Anyway, trust me, it's all going to happen, and it's going to be so terrific, you won't believe it.
Of course the media don't report the tremendous progress we're making on the wall. I'm telling you, that is going to be fabulous. I'm going right from here to a meeting to pick out the color of the mortar. And just yesterday I was on the phone with John Lasseter, the big guy at Pixar; they do all those great animated cartoons. John's a good friend of mine, good guy, big Trump fan, and I think I may let him do the artwork on the wall. The American side. Let the Mexicans do their own stuff, right? Cover it with hubcaps — whatever they want.
Oh, I hear some boos from the loser side of the aisle. You lost the election, OK? Trump, 320 electoral votes; Hillary, did she even carry her home state? Give me a break. I tried to warn her — told her she had to do something about her face if she wanted a shot.
OK, let's turn to foreign policy. Wow! How does it feel to be the most powerful country in the world again? It's good, right? I told you you'd like winning. OK, maybe we've ruffled some feathers in the process. So what? I stand by those tweets. Iran's ayatollah does look like he buys his outfits at Bed Bath & Beyond. Angela Merkel is a bimbo. And the gross national product of Zimbabwe is less than what I carry in my change pocket.
