The year in stupidity

By PHIL KLOER

Maybe it was all the lead we consumed in Chinese products. Maybe it was the Hollywood writers' strike. Maybe it was the actual publication of "Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul."

Whatever the reason, 2007 was a year that demanded -- verily, it cried out in the wilderness -- for some sort of retrospective that would round up a lot of stupid stuff. So here it is. Even worse: Everything here is true.

January • Actress Annabeth Gish kicks off the annual Someday I Will Hate You for This Celebrity Baby Name Contest by naming her son Cash. Come on, who can top that?

• Boston narrowly averts a terrorism catastrophe when bomb squads shut down the city over several Lite-Brite toy boards depicting cartoon characters from the movie "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." The other nine cities where the Lite-Brites appear are too lackadaisical to succumb to similar freak-outs.

• Headline of the month: "Naked, Greased Student Interrupts Lunch." (MSNBC).

February • Anna Nicole Smith dies. Summoning all their considerable restraint and dignity, several TV news outlets step up to help us grieve.

• The "Barbie Bandits" begin their reign of terror with a daring bank robbery in an Atlanta suburb. Fortunately, they are caught after going immediately to a hair salon and spending $200 each on hair highlights.

• During a brief lull in the thoughtful follow-ups to the death of Anna Nicole Smith, NBC's "Today" show does three stories about Jennifer Mee, a Florida teen who hiccuped for weeks, including two live "Exclusive" interviews with Matt Lauer.

March • Israel recalls its ambassador to El Salvador after he is found by police in the Israeli embassy drunk, naked and in bondage gear. Bonus points: Police have to remove his rubber ball gag for him to identify himself.

• Headline of the Month: "Historical Society Finds Antique Safes -- But Can't Open Them" (AP).

April • Woof! Woof! What is it, Lassie? Is Michael Vick in trouble?

• Reported stolen: A plaque honoring famed crime fighter Eliot Ness. Where it was stolen from: Cleveland police headquarters.

• Larry Birkhead wins the Anna Nicole Smith Baby Daddy DNA Sweepstakes.

May • An 18-year-old in Lake Luzerne, N.Y., is wounded in the abdomen while trying to obtain brass scrap for resale. His genius plan: Put bullets in a vise, hold a screwdriver to the primer, and whack the screwdriver with a hammer.

• Headline of the month: "Man in Underwear Pins Leopard for 20 Minutes" (Washington Post).

June • Washington judge Roy Pearson sues a local dry-cleaner, claiming they lost his pants. He seeks $65 million. At the trial, Pearson breaks down in tears while testifying he was given the wrong pair of pants. Judge loses case, is not reappointed to the bench.

• Internet security company finds a gang of European identity thieves offering U.S. identities for sale. Included: Herman Munster. Address: 1313 Mocking Bird Lane. DOB: 1964, the year "The Munsters" debuted.

• Headline of the month: "Naked Couple Fall From Rooftop to Their Deaths" (AP).

July • After sitting in the Houston airport for 11 hours due to weather delays, 20-month-old Garren Penland and his mom, Kate, finally board their flight. After Garren keeps repeating "Bye-bye, airplane" and won't be quiet, Continental's Express Jet Airlines throws them off the plane.

• Actress Jenna Elfman and her husband, Bodhi, make a half-hearted try at a Celebrity Baby Name with son Story.

• Headline of the month: "Tiny Brain No Obstacle to French Civil Servant" (Reuters).

August • In a city nationally known for its many all-nude strip clubs, Atlanta City, N.J., Councilman C.T. Martin tries to ban baggy pants on city streets. "I don't want young people thinking half-dressing is the way to go," he says.

• Thai police who commit minor transgressions are forced to wear large, bright pink Hello Kitty armbands to shame them publicly. "This is to help build discipline," says a police colonel.

• Quote of the month: " I have a wide stance." - Sen. Larry Craig.

• Headline of the month: "World's Costliest Ham Triggers Pork Envy" (AP).

September • Actress Gretchen Mol and director Tod Williams open a huge lead in the Celebrity Baby Name Contest with the birth of son Ptolemy.

• Seattle's proposed South Lake Union Trolley quickly changes its name to South Lake Union Streetcar when people realize the acronym for South Lake Union Trolley won't look good in ads.

• Geography 101: In a discussion of evolution, "The View's" Sherri Shepherd says she doesn't know if the Earth is flat or round.

• Geography 102: Asked why Americans have trouble finding their country on a map, Miss Teen South Carolina answers: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education in such as South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere such as. I believe that our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to help our future."

• Headline of the month: "Jack Hanna, Flamingo Stuck in Turnstile" (AP).

October • Quote of the month: "Don't tase me, bro!" - University of Florida student Andrew Meyer, being tasered by campus police as he heckles Sen. John Kerry.

• Actor Nick Nolte and his girlfriend name their daughter Shanti, but it's not enough to catch Ptolemy Williams.

November • Jackie Bibby of Texas sets Guinness World Record by sitting in a dry bathtub, fully clothed, for 45 minutes, with 87 rattlesnakes.

• Geography 103: "I thought Europe was a country. Budapest. I've never heard of that. Like, I know they speak French there, don't they? I wanna say, is France a country?" - Kellie Pickler on "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" The original question: What European country's capital is Budapest?

December • Robert Sadlon of Buckstown, Pa., is stopped by a cop in his truck for DWI, runs away, makes it home, changes clothes, shaves his mustache and calls 911 to say his truck had been stolen. When the same cop who pulled Sadlon over shows up on the stolen truck report, he can see the pale outline of Sadlon's shaved mustache.

• Finally, a Christmas story. City Hall in Green Bay, Wis., puts up a Nativity scene. So as not to favor one religion, it adds a Wiccan pentacle wreath. A citizen, who says he would prefer no religious displays at City Hall, then proposes a Festivus Pole, for the faux holiday popularized by "Seinfeld." Responds the mayor: "This is kind of making a laughing matter of something that's rather serious."