To be smart, listen to others and learn

A critical step in appearing fascinating and scholarly (not to mention humble) is admitting how little you know.

That's courtesy of Don Gabor, communications trainer and author of "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends." His advice has nothing to do with using words like "stupefaction" when "surprise" makes more sense, and everything to do with asking the right questions.

Here's how to pull it off:

Shut up. Fran Lebowitz noted wryly that the opposite of talking isn't listening, it's waiting. "A lot of people have a tendency too quickly to say, 'That's interesting -- now listen to my story,'" Gabor says. "Instead of actively listening and thinking, 'Gosh, I want to know more about this,' we're just waiting for our turn to talk." Be the exception.

Own up to a knowledge gap. Gabor recently spoke at a speed-networking workshop, where he was surrounded by techies. "I told them, 'You realize I know next to nothing about technology,'" he says. Ideally, this does two things: One, it leaves the impression that you are so immersed in your particular areas of expertise that you've allowed this other area to go unexplored. Two, it prompts the other party to teach you something that results in your becoming, legitimately, smarter.

Be a quick study. "Listen and ask questions that allow the person to elaborate in a way that paints a clearer picture," Gabor suggests. "And then say things like, 'Ah! Now I understand!' Or, 'That really clarifies things.'" The opposite, of course, is someone who cuts a conversationalist off with a curt, "Yeah, yeah. I get it." "That makes the person who's speaking think, 'Yeah, they don't really get it,'" Gabor says.

Don't fake it. Pretending to know something you don't is one of the fastest ways to appear less smart, Gabor says. This comes into play particularly often when you're trying to sound informed about a culture, profession or geographic region of which you know little. Again, admit how little you know. "I've never met anyone from Japan! Tell me a little about your country," works well.

Turn the wheel. "What makes people most intelligent-sounding in a conversation is the ability to respond and interact based on what is being said," Gabor says. "People who take what they hear and use it, play with it, add on to it." This might mean asking a follow-up question or offering a book title that the conversation brings to mind. The point is, you're engaged.

"Mostly people just want your attention and some signal of your approval," Gabor says.