Apple is coming out with a new device to be worn on your wrist. They're not calling it an "iWatch" because they don't want you to think they'll be watching.
But you know they will be.
Watching isn't the only thing they'll be doing, either. They'll be counting our carbs and counting our steps, monitoring our fluid intake as well as our workday's output, and weighing our judgment right along with weighing our bodies.
The "iWatch," according to the hype, will allow us to put away our wallets because we'll be able to use Apple Pay to "buy coffee, groceries and more" right from our wrists.
Can you believe it's taken this long? I mean, the extraordinary exertion involved in reaching for a piece of plastic, not to mention the sheer drudgery of the act of swiping, takes an unconscionable amount of time and is one of the leading causes of muscular cramping of both thumb and index finger in many first-world nations.
Think of the value to humanity: Consider the legions of otherwise healthy women carried out of Nordstrom all over our great nation daily because of their retail-related injuries; imagine suffering that will be alleviated when we no longer have men on gurneys being airlifted from parking lots next to L.L. Bean's who were tragically brought low by the swift and repeated use of their cards while buying kayaks and Thules.
Soon we'll all be attached to a wee computer that nags — because we'll want to be. We're choosing this entrapment.
It won't be strapped on us against our will, like an ankle monitor worn by a parolee, but it's not as far removed from one as you might think. We'll be signing up to make sure somebody knows where we are at all times. The main difference is that we'll be able to choose the color.