What did newcomers to Minnesota miss? A real winter

Enduring winter in Minnesota gives you bragging rights over the rest of the country.

We drive our cars on the lake, dude. Our houses can be threatened by ice formations that can cause thousands of dollars in damage. We get our cars towed if we don’t abide by the snow emergency rules — and they vary from city to city.

But none of that is happening this year, is it? Just as one swallow does not make a summer, a handful of chilly days and scraping ice off your windshield once or twice does not make a real Minnesota winter.

If you just moved to Minnesota, you might be experiencing this year’s warm and snow-free winter and wondering like Peggy Lee, “Is that all there is?”

No. No, that’s not all there is to a typical Minnesota winter.

You don’t get your “I Survived a Real Minnesota Winter” T-shirt unless you experience a lot more suffering — and a little bit more fun — than we’ve been having lately.

“If you moved here from a warmer location, this year does not count” as a real Minnesota winter, said Kenneth Blumenfeld, senior climatologist with the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources. Because of the unusually warm weather, thanks to a strong El Niño climate pattern in the Pacific and lack of snow, we’re experiencing “one of the least winterlike winters we’ve ever measured.”

In a real Minnesota winter, we’ll see low temperatures in northern Minnesota of 30-below or lower, and 15- to 30-below in southern Minnesota for at least a few days. We’ll get two or three storms where a quarter of the state will have received 10 inches or more of snow.

In a real Minnesota winter, we’ll get at least one storm hitting a major part of the state with an excess of 12 inches of snow, shutting down roads, schools and businesses. There will be at least one bout of extreme windchill that will reach into 40- or 50-below. And the snow cover will linger until late March or even early April in northern Minnesota.

Last winter, the third snowiest winter on record in the Twin Cities — the year of the Target shopping cart snow mountain — qualified as a real Minnesota winter, at least in terms of snow.

“That was definitely a memorable and snowy winter,” Blumenfeld said. “I pushed cars out of snowbanks maybe on four different days.”

While many long-term Minnesotans are just fine missing out on shoveling and pushing, Laura Barnard is disappointed.

Barnard moved to Minneapolis from Houston last July because she was interested in living in a place with more “climate resiliency.” Friends warned her she was going to be cold. So, she did her research and made sure her car and clothing would handle the winter. She bought hand warmers. She learned about snowblowers.

“I didn’t even know what they were,” she said.

Now she’s bummed out because local winter-centric events like the Luminary Loppet aren’t going as planned.

“I feel really bad about that,” she said. “Wherever I go, I need to embrace whatever’s unique about the place.”

Oh, well. Maybe next year.

That’s probably the soonest Barnard will experience the joy of seeing a shopping cart on a snow mountain or pushing out a stuck car.

Here’s a few more experiences you need to check off your punch card before you can say you’ve experienced a real Minnesota winter:

You’ve felt your nostril hairs freeze. Right before your eyelashes froze together.

You’ve worn long underwear into the office.

You’ve learned the Minnesota shuffle (aka the penguin walk), but slipped on the ice anyway.

You’ve walked, skied, skated, biked, driven or fished on a frozen lake.

You’ve kicked off a dirty clump of ice and snow stuck in the wheel well of your car.

You’ve made bets on when the gigantic snow pile in your local shopping center parking lot would melt. And won when you bet on June.

You’ve gone out in the middle of the day to start your car.

You’ve run out of places to push or pile the snow when you’re shoveling.

You’ve said or heard, “You’ve gotta rock it” when trying to get a car unstuck.

You didn’t think the shiny icicles hanging from your house looked pretty. Instead, you worried about ice dams.

You’ve had a snow day, a social event or a work obligation canceled because of the weather.

You’ve had to memorize the snow emergency parking rules in at least one city.

You’ve run to the grocery store to get supplies ahead of a snowstorm.

You’ve complained that the storm was worse than the forecast.

You’ve complained that the storm wasn’t as bad as the forecast.

You’ve complained about your city’s snow plowing.

You’ve complained about the driver who blocked your shoveled crosswalk and now the only way to get to your car is to climb over a snowbank.

You feel compelled to wear shorts and eat outdoors as soon as it gets above 40 degrees.

You’ve felt this spurt of joy, hope and relief when the snow finally melts and you see the first robin and the first daffodils.

Have your own ideas about experiences that constitute a real Minnesota winter? Well, that’s what the comment section is for.