Q: I am my husband's second wife, and we have been happily married for 40 years. My issue is that whenever he thinks of a place or a person from the past, he will start by saying: "When we were in Santa Fe ..." So, I ask the obvious question: "Who is we?" His response is: "My ex-wife and me."

For 40 years I have told him that he and she are not a "we" anymore. It hurts my feelings. He insists that "we" means "me and someone else" and I'm taking the comment too personally. If I were in his shoes, I would say: "When I visited Santa Fe ..." He says that's wrong because he wasn't there by himself. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: Attempting to diminish the importance of how you feel by labeling you as "too sensitive" is not going to smooth over hurt feelings. On the contrary, it makes it worse. Yes, you have been married for 40 years, and that degree of longevity hopefully points to your ability to work through disagreements. But if your husband has approached your feelings in the manner you explained, even if he thinks they are invalid, then above everything else, that's been a long 40 years — and very poor ex-etiquette.

Good ex-etiquette is based on good behavior after divorce or separation. In that context, if your partner feels overlooked or disregarded, for whatever reason, that's simply not good behavior.

Granted, when your husband speaks of his ex, it was a long time ago, but I suspect that doesn't matter to you. If you see it as insensitive, and you express it to him as such, it's not up to him to decide if it is or it is not an appropriate comment. It's up to him to look for ways to understand why you feel as you do and then together brainstorm for other ways for him to express himself.

When you are in a marriage for 40 years, your kids have moved out, so putting each other first becomes the priority. That is good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.