Withering Glance: Fun times at the fair (Maalox and all)

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

CP: That thing you did the other day at the State Fair?

RN: I'm going to need more than that.

CP: Where you ate 44 new foods while tweeting, judging, Instagramming and live-blogging?

RN: Ah, yes, the eight-hour Maalox Moment. I'm still trying to extricate the sodium from my system.

CP: I guess you were not podcasting or streaming video, but could you possibly have been on more media platforms? Did you have to purge a few times along the way? You know, to clear stomach space and simultaneously make a vivid State Fair memory?

RN: Let's just say my new-foods-at-the-fair eat-a-thon is not for any card-carrying member of the Clean Plate Club. It's more like a nibble, then on to the next. The worst part was making deadline, an eight-hour type-fest while I cleansed with Evian and watermelon.

CP: I remember accompanying you in years past. You would take one hypercritical bite, then I would inhale the rest. When it comes to sugar, grease, carbs and salt, I'm a regular Paula Deen.

RN: It's all about pacing. Like when Netflix releases an entire season's worth of "House of Cards," and the temptation is to wallow in it. But, don't. When was the last time you found yourself at the Great Minnesota Get-Together?

CP: I think I went last year, but I got so tipsy on the flights of made-in-Minnesota beers that I can't recall.

RN: That fairgoers can enjoy more than Bud Lite is one of fair's most welcome trends. What's on your must-see list?

CP: I love the brain-freeze from quickly consuming a giant strawberry sundae at the Dairy Building. Trained dogs — and their hilarious owners. Goats. Art. Giant slide.

RN: Let's not forget the seed art exhibition. Once again, our friend David had a winning entry, a Tintoretto in alfalfa and millet.

CP: Was it your patriotism or something else that led you to spend so much time observing the chin-up contest outside the Marines pavilion?

RN: I have no idea what you're talking about. You've really got to get inside the Creative Activities building and check out the prizewinning kransekakes. No, that's not a euphemism for something untoward. They are actual almond ring cakes.

CP: Change the subject much? What about the Midway? Are you drawn to its lurid after-dark attractions, including mini-horse Tiny Tim, for whom "just a cupful of water and a handful of hay is a mighty big meal"?

RN: It clearly made quite the impression upon you. No, the Tilt-a-Whirl and a steady diet of deep-fried delights do not mix well, at least with me. I did attend a grandstand concert this year — Queen Aretha Franklin — my first since Roger Daltrey in 1994.

CP: Did she reign? Did she wear the mink, despite temps in the high 80s?

RN: Inexplicably, she appeared in a feather-covered wedding gown. But hey, when you're 72 and you can still kill "Until You Come Back to Me," you can wear whatever you dang well please.

E-mail: witheringglance@startribune.com

Twitter: @claudepeck and @RickNelsonStrib