A Minnesota Teacher of the Year on seeing his nonbinary kid for who they are

Just like the latest book written by their father, Ollie is a lot of things. Off-the-charts intelligent with big emotions and a love for bubble tea and manga, to name just a few. Ollie also doesn't fall into the gender binary of male or female.

In Tom Rademacher's memoir, "Raising Ollie: How My Nonbinary Art-Nerd Kid Changed (Nearly) Everything I Know)," Ollie's dad explores the modern complexities of being a public school teacher and dad, devoting just a slim portion of the book to reflecting on Ollie's gender identity.

But this 2014 Minnesota Teacher of the Year does it with such heartfelt wisdom, guiding those of us who didn't grow up understanding the entirety of the gender spectrum by giving us a window into how a family, a school and a community can work to support nonbinary kids. Most of it comes down to listening to and trusting young people.

I recently talked with Tom, who teaches language arts at St. Anthony Middle School,and 11-year-old Ollie (which is a pseudonym their dad uses in the book to protect Ollie's privacy). Here are some excerpts from those interviews, edited for length and clarity:

Tom, you learned that Ollie was nonbinary when they were in third grade and mentioned at a teacher conference that they use they/them pronouns. How surprised were you and your wife?

Tom: In that moment, about 0% surprised. They had for years talked about not feeling like a girl or a boy, and really kind of bristling at gender norms or gender expectations. They had made it very clear to us already that it was something they were thinking about and wrestling with. We just did our best not to lead them down the path and letting them figure it out for themselves who they were. We were kind of ready for it by the time it happened.

Ollie, when did you know you were nonbinary?

Ollie: There was never a turning point. I've always felt like I'm not a girl, and I'm not a boy, and I'm not going to worry about it. And then I found the term nonbinary, and I was like, yep, that's me.

Tom, you and your wife, who is a therapist, have been very supportive of Ollie. But you admit in the book that adapting to a new way of seeing your kid took time and practice. How so?

Tom: We knew Ollie from the moment they were born. And for the first seven years, Ollie was a girl, and a girl in our heads. And when they started using they/them pronouns and identifying as nonbinary, just getting the pronouns right at first was a struggle. It was so locked in our heads.

We would practice at night after Ollie had gone to bed. We would intentionally talk about Ollie, intentionally use the right pronouns, and we would stop each other if the other person slipped up. And so that way, we weren't messing up as often and misgendering Ollie to their face. And it was just a point of practice that we got better at it. And then what was really interesting — it was like the language actually kind of reprogrammed our brains. So we stopped seeing Ollie as a girl first and then translating that into a nonbinary kid, and we started seeing Ollie as nonbinary, which is how they were seeing themselves. And then it felt really natural.

I was practicing this with my 8-year-old boy whose classmate is transitioning genders. My son kept flubbing it, but he made an effort to correct himself, and by the end of one conversation, he's like, "Oh, it's getting easier."

Tom: I think that's a perfect way to put it. It will always be hard if you don't practice it. It means everything to Ollie when someone is intentional about getting their pronouns correct.

What can teachers and school leaders do to support nonbinary students?

Ollie: Mostly what they've got to do is figure out if people who misgender nonbinary kids are doing it on accident, or on purpose. Someone will misgender a nonbinary kid on purpose, and they'll just be like, "Oh, no, it was an accident." And then the school is forced to believe them. Most of the times it is an accident, but then the times where it isn't, it can be really bad.

It sounds like you might be speaking from experience. What happened?

Ollie: One kid in third grade would sit next to me in lunch, just to say, "You're a girl," and nothing else. It happened multiple times, and I tried to tell a teacher, and they were like, "I think they're just confused." Even if they are confused, you've got to figure out a way to make them not confused. Talk to them about it.

One of the concerns parents may have is that it's such a big decision for a little person to make. Deciding on your gender, when it's not the one that's assigned to you, can seem so permanent. Do you relate to that concern at all?

Tom: Not really right now. Ollie has not ever asked for, or talked about any kind of hormone therapy or anything like that. That's where a bigger decision feels like it's being made. For us, I don't care if if Ollie is nonbinary for the rest of their life, or if they're nonbinary for another week. If they decide that their gender identity has changed, then I will love them for who they are and accept that change when it happens.

For the last few years, being nonbinary for them has meant a tremendous increase in comfort with themselves, and confidence with who they are in the world. It felt less like a decision that they made and more like a part of themselves that they accepted and discovered.

As a teacher, I've had students in my classroom whose parents were very unsupportive if they [the students] were gender-expansive. I've seen the mental health toll that takes on a kid to feel like their own family is not supporting them. To me, that's the biggest and most dangerous decision being made — the decision that families make to not support their kids when their kids tell them who they are.

In your book, you write about trying to reach out to a parent of a student who transitioned from female to male, and the dad never accepted that transition. What compelled you to do that as a teacher? I could see some parents saying that's not your place.

Tom: Maybe it's not my place as a teacher, but I work for my students. And I want what is best for them. It's so easy to not harm your child. It costs nothing for you to call them by the name they want to be called. It costs nothing for you to use the pronouns that they want, and it means so much for their health. If I can offer myself up to a parent as someone who has gone through something similar with my own child, I'm always willing to do that.

Ollie, what kind of parent is your dad?

Ollie: A good one. He's definitely, out of the two parents, the one who leans more toward letting me break rules.

Tom: Oh, God.

Ollie: Don't worry, Dad! He's a cool parent.