Ask Amy: December-May romance has consequences

Dear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving. I love him with everything I have.

Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)

The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming, and I broke up him in order to spend time with my granddaughter. Then, last year, my guy and I reunited, and the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn't allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treated me like dirt. So we broke up again.

I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don't want to have to choose between my granddaughter and the love of my life.

Amy says: I'm going to take it as a given that your partner doesn't present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law's treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.

Nowhere do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man.

Perhaps it's time that someone stood up to him. You can't stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: "I won't let him control me."

A counselor could help you and your partner navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In some states, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation, if it is "in the child's best interests." One of the criteria is that "the parents have prevented them from having a relationship with the grandchild."

Dear Amy: My long-ago ex-husband's father recently died. During our marriage, I was close to my husband's family, and post-marriage we have maintained cordial, if somewhat distant, relationships.

He and I share two children, who are now in college. We are both remarried.

My ex and his sibling (who is arranging the memorial service) have invited me to attend the service and reception afterward. The service is in another city, and I would like to travel there and pay my respects, but I don't want to encroach on anyone's grief, and I don't want my presence to make anyone uncomfortable.

Our children will be there and will stay with their dad and his wife for a few days. What do your instincts tell you about this?

Amy says: You've been invited, and I think it's a good idea to attend, if you want to. Run this past your children, and let them know that you understand they will be with their father during this period.

I attended the memorial celebration for my ex's parent, under very similar circumstances. I kept to the fringes of the service and reception, paid my respects personally and then quietly slipped out (and then stopped at a nearby bar and enjoyed a stiff drink).

This felt like the turning of a page on an important chapter of my life, and I'm glad I did it. I hope you will feel the same.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com