Ask Amy: In-home aide oversteps boundaries

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a special-needs teenage son. After more than a year on a wait list, we finally have an in-home therapist.

"Darla" comes three mornings a week to wake him up and help him get dressed and ready for school. This gives me rare and much-needed breaks.

My husband lets Darla into our home. I usually stay in my room and either sleep in or just enjoy the quiet until it is time for me to take my son to school.

I've picked up hints that Darla thinks I'm lazy. She also seems to have a crush on my husband and finds excuses to chat with him. It drives him crazy because he's busy working from home.

I sent Darla a text asking her not to disturb him unless absolutely necessary. She didn't respond to the text, but she did stop interrupting him as much.

Recently, after I let her in one morning, she told my son that he was slacking because his mother got up before he did. I didn't say anything about this, but I'm fuming!

Darla is good with my son, and if I fired her it would take months to find a replacement. How can I keep her on but put her attitude in check?

Amy says: Your concerns are related to boundaries and communication. Darla might have come to your home after working with other clients who have a different living and communication style.

If she is good with your son, then that positive dynamic should be your primary concern. It is important that you keep this in mind as you adjust to each other.

You and your husband should sit down with her. Start with positive feedback regarding the work she is there to do. Review some basics regarding the household.

Your husband should make it clear that his workday already has begun when she arrives in the morning: "So, after I've let you in, I've got to get right to my work. It's best if I'm not interrupted, unless it's important."

As for her comment to your son that he was slacking because you were up before him, to me that seems like a lighthearted remark that could be seen as a joking nudge, establishing a rapport with him.

If this sort of comment would cause your son to feel bad, or be anxious, then you should correct Darla about matters having to do with tone. Otherwise, forget about it.

Dear Amy: I am wondering what to say to an elderly relative who becomes so high on their pain medication that their speech is slurring, yet they still want to hold my baby.

It is unclear if they know at the time how intoxicated they are, yet they often admit after the fact that they "overdo" their medication or their pain will prevent them from getting out of the house to see family.

My question: How do we politely say "no" to holding the baby, or do we just have to hover very closely while the baby is held?

Amy says: Your elderly relative's admission to "overdoing" pain medication is concerning, and my suggestion is that whatever family member has the closest caretaking relationship with this relative should be informed and encouraged to review the medication and dosage choices with the physician.

In the moment, you can respond: "You seem shaky today, and the baby might get squirmy, so I'm going to sit right beside you and hold the baby, myself."

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.