Ask Amy: Pressing 'pause' on a negative friend

Dear Amy: What is the right way to put a friendship on pause? I have known "Lara" for many years. We don't have a lot in common, and it can be trying to spend time with her — she monopolizes conversations, tells inappropriate stories and can be extremely negative.

However, I spent many hours supporting her after a job loss a decade ago. While she has now stabilized, she never returned to her career and remains very angry.

Earlier this year I lost my job. It hasn't been all bad — I've been able to help my ailing parents and found some part-time work — but some days it takes everything I have to stay positive.

Lara is the absolute last person I want to see right now: I just can't listen to her constant complaints. But she's been reaching out to me for months, despite my attempts to brush her off politely, and now is getting her husband to text me.

Can I just ghost her? (I haven't spent any time with her for about a year.) Or do I owe her some kind of explanation, and if so, what should it be?

I dread every text, email and call I receive from her, so any advice would be very welcome.

Amy says: Placing this friendship on "pause" is precisely what you should do.

It sounds as if Lara is immune to generic ghosting (where you neglect to respond to any contact from her). Having her husband text you on her behalf is a sign that she needs some sort of statement from you.

Consider a "pre-blocking" measure. Email her to say, "You've continued to reach out to me, but I want you to know that I haven't responded because my plate is full right now. I'll reach out again when I'm ready, but until then I need to take a pause. Take good care of yourself."

She might see this as your attempt to start a dialogue. Don't bite that hook. If she refuses to respect your wishes and continues to contact you, then it might be time to block her and consider the friendship to have ended.

Dear Amy: We have close friends whose daughter is getting married in Italy. We will be traveling to the wedding, but my husband and I debated not going because of the difficulty of the trip.

We have to make a stopover, change flights, book the hotel and rent a car to drive to the wedding because it's in a town where there is no transportation from the airport.

I believe this woman is being a bit selfish. Many from her mother's side of the family can't make the trip. Why have a wedding if your family can't be there?

I read that if the couple decide to have a destination wedding, your gift is your presence because of the added expense imposed on you. Do you agree?

Amy says: Why have a wedding in Italy if your family can't be there? Not having family there is precisely why some couples choose to have destination weddings.

Some couples use the expense and distance as a way to make sure that they won't have to deal with Aunt Gladys and her pickleball obsession or cousin Steve and his political ranting.

This trend also reflects a changing attitude toward weddings — that they are not sacred celebrations bringing two families together, but photo ops with spectacular backdrops.

Yes, your gift is your presence. It would have been kind for the couple to state this.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.