Dear Eric: My brother is 22 and has always had a girlfriend, though none of the relationships have lasted. His previous girlfriends have been controlling and possessive, to the point that he breaks up with them.
Ask Eric: Brother appears headed for trouble
A little loving guidance wouldn’t be out of place.
By R. Eric Thomas
His current girlfriend seems to be the same way, but he is head over heels for her. Not only is she possessive and wants him to spend all his time with her, but it appears that she is a pathological liar. She has lied to him, my family and other people we know, then gets defensive when caught in the lies.
They are spending time together to the point that he rarely does anything with his friends or family, and when he does, she gets upset.
I love my brother, and I trust his judgment, but I am extremely worried about his relationship becoming abusive. They’ve been together for only two months, and she’s already calling him “hubby” and he bought her a ring. Perhaps I’m having flashbacks of my own past abusive relationship, but I can’t help but worry for him. My parents are concerned as well.
Should I bring up my concerns to him or just let it play out? He is an adult, so I don’t feel it’s my place to interfere.
Eric says: Though you say you trust your brother’s judgment, I don’t think that’s actually the case. And that’s fine — he’s 22 and he has a track record of making questionable relationship decisions. It’s OK to have doubts.
And it’s OK to communicate your concerns to him in a way that’s rooted in love. So, please talk to him.
He may not see the issues that you do, or he may not see them the way you do. Hearing the perspective of a loved one could open his eyes more. Failing that, at least your conversation can remind him that he’s got others to depend on.
Respect his ability to make his own decisions and try, as best you can, to separate what has happened to you from what’s happening in his life. But do talk to him, adult to adult. We all could use a caring opinion sometimes.
No more deliveries
Dear Eric: My family lives in a small apartment building, and we enjoy our neighbors. However, there is one issue that I’m unsure of how to address without potentially offending these good neighbors.
Our family doesn’t travel very frequently. We also don’t receive a lot of packages compared to many of our neighbors. I’m often asked if I can collect packages while other families who travel frequently are gone.
If it were only every so often or only a package here and there, I wouldn’t mind. However, there are many, many packages to look out for. Furthermore, several times once I have collected and held packages for neighbors, they do not come and pick them up once they’ve returned. Thus, we have been left with stacks of boxes and envelopes, and I’ve had to request that people come get them.
If a neighbor asks if we’ll be around, I don’t want to lie and say we won’t be. However, I’m tired of being asked to be a default porter. Can you suggest how I might handle this dilemma with minimal damage to my good relationships with likeable neighbors?
Eric says: Just because you’re around doesn’t mean you’re available. You’ve got your own life. If your neighbors are likable, then I hope they’re also even-keeled enough to hear the truth. Talking to your neighbors on a case-by-case basis will work best.
“We’ve gotten overwhelmed by packages for the building. So, to make sure we don’t miss something important, can you set a delivery hold with the post office and other delivery services?” If they take offense to this completely reasonable request, that’s on them.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.
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R. Eric Thomas
Couple needs to let the family know what they need.