Ask Eric: Couple reaches divorce stalemate

Dear Eric: I told my husband I was done in our marriage during a marriage-counseling session close to nine months ago. This was our second round of marriage counseling. I also have done some therapy on my own.

He won’t move out because he believes marriage is forever and he doesn’t want our teenage children to think he is deserting them. I don’t feel like I should move out because I bought the house before we were married. His name is not on the title nor hardly any of the utilities. He never even changed his address on his driver’s license.

We have never been fully united. Before our first round of marriage counseling six years ago, I filed for divorce. After counseling, I dismissed the case hoping things would get better.

Our issues have nothing to do with infidelity, drugs, alcohol or money.

A recent conversation that left me a bit dumbfounded was my husband’s suggestion that I should honor his sister who passed by being forgiving of past things he did that he thinks I’m holding against him, because his sister would have wanted that.

I wish he’d recognize some marriages do not last forever.

Eric says: It sounds like your husband has some manipulative tendencies, which also may be complicating your marriage and your desire to end it.

Even if you don’t file right away, please talk to an attorney so that you have a full understanding of what your options and rights are.

Your husband knows things aren’t harmonious and it’s disingenuous of him to act otherwise. This also makes it harder for either of you to move forward in your relationship. If he believes marriage is forever, he needs to be committed to finding the solutions to make forever work.

Dear Eric: I suffered a curable illness I was unaware I had. A symptom of the illness was anxiety. I was acting very differently with anxiety after never having it. My wife left me because I was such a different person, not being the calm, strong person I always was but stressed out and worried.

After she left, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with the illness. I was sure she would reconcile with me once she found out I had the illness. Instead, she said I was using it as an excuse and never spoke to me again.

She has been doing all she can to punish me. She is trying to take my daughter from me and has had me jailed for emailing her asking her to stop this.

Is it OK to punish me like this for an illness I had no idea I was even suffering from?

Eric says: I’m glad you were able to get help for your illness, and I’m glad you’re back to your old self. Anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways, both physical and mental. I empathize with the confusion and fear this must have caused you.

You’re right that no one should punish you for having an illness. But without knowing more about the rest of your relationship, it’s hard to say if there were other issues at play that have kept your wife from reconciling. But she has set a boundary, and the best thing for you is to accept it and turn your focus toward being present for your daughter.

Please talk to a lawyer about your custody arrangement so that your rights are protected and you have an advocate who can direct you to the proper channels for communication. Being jailed over an email suggests perhaps that there was a restraining order in place already. If that’s the case, make sure you’re not violating the order or putting yourself, your wife or your daughter in danger.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.