Ask Eric: Man hung up on wife’s phone habits

Dear Eric: My wife and I are both 70. We recently gave up our landline and now both carry cellphones. Lately my wife, when receiving a text or call, will stop what she’s doing to reply. While eating lunch together recently and having a conversation, a text came in and she interrupted our talk to respond.

I voiced my feelings about being made to feel second class and asked if she couldn’t have waited to address this, unless it was timely or very important. She acknowledged it wasn’t a time-sensitive issue but said she didn’t want to appear disrespectful. I told her that I disagreed with that and asked her to please prioritize in similar situations.

Tonight, we were watching a TV show together and with three minutes left, the conclusion unfolding, her brother called. The show was paused while she proceeded to have a five-minute conversation about dinner plans for an evening 10 days from now.

I left the room, turned on another TV and watched the end by myself. When she asked what my problem was, I again explained there was no reason she couldn’t have called him back after we were done watching the show together. She disagreed and said it was just a few minutes.

She tells me I am overreacting. Having not grown up with these technological situations, I’d appreciate your thoughts.

Eric says: The technology is a factor here, but a bigger part may be a desire to have more meaningful time with your wife.

Having a cellphone can sometimes seem like being perpetually on hold. The minute it rings or buzzes, you feel an impulse to respond in a way that landlines, stationed on a wall or counter rather than in our pockets, rarely trigger. It’s an easy habit to fall into and a hard one to break.

But, even if the phone wasn’t ringing, I think you’d still be yearning to feel valued by and connected to your wife. It’s OK to ask for more intentional connection and have it not become an indictment of her phone. It’s also OK to ask for a “no phones” hour while you watch a show or share a meal. If you can’t resist answering, leave the phones in another room where you can’t hear the ringing.

Instead of criticizing your wife, you’ll get better results if you approach this proactively and map out times that you can feel appreciated and show your appreciation for your wife.

Dear Eric: I have a friend who has struggled with mental health issues following a breakdown a few years ago. She has a diagnosis and is on medication. She is not supposed to drink alcohol while on the medication, but continues to do so.

She is my friend, and I care about her, but I don’t feel that I can stand by and watch this unfold any longer. Do I remove myself from the friendship? Do I make it clear to her how I feel, despite knowing she will react negatively? Or do I do nothing?

Eric says: Stay in her life, but set good boundaries. You can be clear with her that her behavior is destructive and it hurts to be around her. If she reacts negatively, hold your ground and tell her you’ll be there for her when she cools off. It’s up to her to accept the outstretched hand (and to see that it’s not a wagging finger, scolding her).

You also can investigate resources for providing her support and pointing her toward recovery by visiting the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association (samhsa.gov).

Being a good friend doesn’t mean accepting everything your friend does. Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is call us out on dangerous behavior or express concern about unhealthy patterns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.